


Dances and Ruin

by ReinerRegret



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Betrayal, Character Death, Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Romance, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Forbidden Love, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Mutual Pining, Original Character(s), POV Alternating, POV First Person, POV Multiple, POV Third Person Omniscient, Pining, Possible smut, Rating May Change, Romance, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Spoilers, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-13 22:40:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 24,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29036364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReinerRegret/pseuds/ReinerRegret
Summary: Everything has its price.Freedom costs humanity, war takes innocence, friendship requires a heart, and survival demands sacrifice.With the world on his shoulders and the walls at his feet, Reiner encounters a certain devil and her charms. Despite his efforts, he can't help but want what she has to offer-- but there's a steep price to pay for a heart and a hand to hold. Will Reiner be able to pay the price for the treasure he finds or will he be broken in more ways than one?**STORY CONTAINS POTENTIAL SPOILERS! There are most definitely spoilers for seasons 1-3 of the anime, and has potential for manga spoilers later on down the line. I will give warnings for manga spoilers before the beginning of the chapters that contain said spoilers.**
Relationships: Bertolt Hoover/Original Female Character(s), Reiner Braun/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23





	1. Chapter 1

For a moment, it felt real. 

The whisper of a touch upon his shoulder blades is almost unnoticeable, the same way that dust dances midair, caught in the sunbeams before settling into a new home. The roar of laughter which felt so reminiscent of the ocean waves crashing against the sandy shore. Endless depths of color framed perfectly with dark lashes that seemed to encompass the night sky and its entirety so effortlessly. 

It felt real. 

But, even so, he remembered. He remembered that the dust that settles can just as easily be stirred up again. That the sandy shores the ocean leaned upon would one day be gone. That the stars in the sky wouldn’t be the same forever. That the realness he felt just now was nothing more than a desperate attempt to hold onto something that was leaving him as quickly as it appeared. 

It felt real. It felt heavy. It felt like too much. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything has its price.
> 
> Freedom costs humanity, war takes innocence, friendship requires a heart, and survival demands sacrifice.
> 
> With the world on his shoulders and the walls at his feet, Reiner encounters a certain devil and her charms. Despite his efforts, he can't help but want what she has to offer-- but there's a steep price to pay for a heart and a hand to hold. Will Reiner be able to pay the price for the treasure he finds or will he be broken in more ways than one?

The rain poured in an onslaught, so heavily that the cadets were nearly unable to see through it all. There’s been only a handful of times that they had to run in conditions such as these, but that never makes it any easier, Reiner can’t help but feel that the pile of soaked clothes on his body are weighing him down a bit more than usual. The additional gear he packed can’t be of much help either. All things considered, the run isn’t all that hard, just annoying in some aspects, like when the rain would run down his forehead and into his eyes or when the mud would try and suck him underground. 

His mind wanders back to Armin, the smaller blond boy he’d come across about a mile or so back. He attempted to aid him, but the boy was determined to hold his own, even if it cost him his scores for the day. If Reiner is frustrated with the current conditions, he can’t help but wonder if Armin is still as determined as he had been earlier. Whatever the case, Reiner can’t afford to worry about his comrade anymore than he already has. His own score is on the line too, after all. 

For the first time in a while, Reiner looks around to make note of the faces that flank him on every side. The most recognizable of them all is the one face he’s most familiar with, Bertolt-- well, Bertolt and Bertolt’s friend. 

Although he doesn’t know the girl very well, he still remembers everything about the day they became acquainted. They’d been in the training corps for a while by then and the two friends had just taken a seat in the mess hall for dinner. There was a brief moment of peace and quiet before they were met with a question. “Mind if I sit here?” she’d asked. Reiner remained quiet, but Bertolt obliged mindlessly, inching to the side a little to allow the girl room to sit. It was then that she spoke again, “Great, I hope you know you just entered into a friendship contract with me. The only way out is by dying, we’re in it for the long haul now,” she beamed. 

He can still see the amusement in Bertolt’s eyes and feel the unease in his stomach. Something about the girl felt like a threat, but not in a traditional sense. It felt almost as if she were a magnet that he couldn’t stay far enough away from-- like he knew he’d get pulled in one day and it would hurt when the powers that be finally pulled them apart. Even then, the word “devil” paraded around in the back of his mind. Attraction gave way to disgust; and although it lingers somewhere in the recesses of his mind, attraction hasn’t made its presence known since then. Thus, the promise he made himself to keep his distance has been relatively easy to keep. 

Besides, there’s no point in dancing with the devil unless you’re willing to spend an eternity in hell. 

With set determination, Reiner quickens his pace and surpasses Bertolt and Bertolt’s friend rather quickly. He resists the urge to look over his shoulder to see how the pair are doing, keeping his focus centered on his own performance. He knows that there can’t be much longer to go, especially considering they passed the halfway point a little ways back. If he tries hard enough, he swears he can smell the soup that he heard that they’d be preparing for tonight, and maybe a little something extra on the side. The thought is enough to propel him forward a little faster for a little while longer, all the way to the finish line. 

The welcoming committee as well as all of the others who have finished before now all huddle at the finish line, waiting for everyone else to make it in. Reiner knows full well he’s somewhere in the middle of them all, maybe even on the hind end of it all, considering how much he slowed for a few of the others toward the beginning. Regardless, he knows that he’s performed well enough in everything else that this one instance won’t affect him too much. He’s just glad that it’s over. With dinner and a warm bunk waiting for him not far from where he stands now, he can hardly keep himself from going right to them. After trudging around in these conditions, they’ve earned the right to go straight to the mess hall after finishing their run, but the rules don’t change no matter what. They wait… for everyone.

Reiner walks over to where Eren stands talking with Marco and Jean. Eren’s voice projects itself loudly to the other two boys, “Yeah, I heard that Peri wasn’t taking it seriously at all. She said that she’s done everything else well enough that she’d earned the opportunity to blow something off. Pretty stupid if you ask me.” 

“Yeah, well, nobody asked,” Jean answers, tugging at the straps of his backpack, setting it into a better resting place. Reiner can’t help but wonder why the two spend any time at all around one another when the best they can ever seem to manage is tolerating each other. 

Marco quietly adds his own input, “I wouldn’t call it stupid. Stupid would be if she’d done that while hanging on by a thread. Peri is in the top ten of our class, though. She’s not stupid, she’s just careless.” 

“Call it whatever you want, she shouldn’t be slacking off either way,” Eren scoffs. “Why commit to something if you aren’t going to take it seriously? I just don’t get it.” 

Reiner decides that this is as good a place as any to insert himself into the conversation, “I don’t think anybody really gets anything that Peri does. She’s a curveball in her own way, and we’ve all seen that prove true more times than one.”

“I guess so,” Eren resigns. “Anyway, what took you so long, Reiner?” 

“Oh, just kind of stayed back a little more than usual to see how everyone else was faring today. Figured I could help a straggler or two, maybe prevent someone from failing or dropping out.” 

“And, did you?” Jean asks. 

He looks over his shoulder and back toward the finish line, where it appears the last of the cadets are streaming in as of now. “I guess so, looks like everyone made it in.” 

The rest of the group looks back toward the finish as well, checking to make sure that it really is the last of them. Marco smiles, “Well, would you look at that, no drop outs or fails.” 

“Yeah, it’s really starting to feel like we’re toward the end of all this. Only a few weeks left until graduation, right?” Jean asks. 

“Yeah, three years have gone by in a flash. I can’t believe it,” Marco sighs. 

Reiner can feel the way that every second has seemed to stretch longer and longer for the past three years. The world felt much bigger back then, even if it had shrunk considerably beforehand. All felt right, but the longer he spent here the more things felt wrong. Everything has gotten complicated and distorted, even his mission is unrecognizable in comparison to what he had on his agenda when he first arrived here. 

What the hell is he even doing here anymore? 

“Hey, Reiner!” Bertolt calls from behind him. 

The blond turns just enough to see Bertolt and the auburn haired girl coming his way. He mentally prepares himself to be in close proximity to Peri, even if he is completely unsure of what all that entails at the moment. “Hey, about time you made it in. What took you so long?” 

“Eh, Peri said we should take it a little easy today. I didn’t really see the point in doing otherwise.” 

“Do you really think you can afford that mentality, Bertolt?” 

Peri laughs, and Reiner cuts his eyes across to the girl. She looks different than how he remembered. Are there more freckles peppering her face? Is her smile not as bright? What is it about her that feels different? She wrings out her ponytail, rather pointlessly, considering they’re still standing in the pouring rain, “Come on, Rei. We’re all three in the top ten, if anyone can afford that mindset, we’re among the few.” 

“Just because we can afford it doesn’t mean that we should take advantage of it.” 

She rolls her eyes, “God, I thought Berty over here was a stickler. I guess we haven’t spent enough time with one another. We have to do something about that, you need to loosen up some before graduation or your frugal mindset is going to cost you bigger than your grades.” 

“Huh?” Reiner asks, slightly dazed. 

The group begins to fall in step with everyone else on the way to the mess hall. Peri swings her pack off of her shoulders and dangles it at her side, “I think we have a free day tomorrow, so we should take advantage of that tonight. We should do something fun, you and Bertolt are officially the first people I’m inviting to my super secret fun event after dinner. I’ll invite a few more people, but we’ll all meet in front of the mess hall after cleaning up. Be there or pay the price,” she finishes before breaking into a light jog to meet up with the group of girls a few feet ahead. 

“Why tonight? It’s still raining and the free day is tomorrow,” Bertolt reasons.

“Ever the inquisitor, my friend. So we can sleep in tomorrow, of course, and the rain just gives the evening an extra flair.”

* * *

There’s a slight chill beginning to settle in with the evening air. The rain isn’t beating upon them as violently as it had earlier, but it remains ever the same. Reiner noticed during dinner that Peri was managing to get a good group of people together for whatever would be happening, even so he and Bertolt are the only ones waiting outside at the time. He leans against the railing of the platform outside of the mess hall. Bertolt stands directly across from him, his eyes trained intently at his feet. Reiner clears his throat, “I don’t get it.” 

“Don’t get what?” Bertolt asks in return.

“Why did you choose to be so close with her?” He said the pronoun almost as if it were a dirty word. The thought of her always manages to unsettle him in a way he could never really put into words and he hated it. Unsettling as she may be, the thought of her is no dirtier than the thought of any of the other devils, so why did he always try to wash it away more quickly and violently than any other? 

There’s a shrug of Bertolt’s shoulders before he replies, “Figured we have to be close with somebody to earn some trust around her, might as well choose someone that makes things a little more entertaining. Might as well choose someone who chose me first. I mean, we see how Annie is doing on her own. We don’t need to turn out the same way. People around here trust you, which is good, but earning their trust isn’t the same as earning their favor. You need favor as much as you need trust around here.” 

Reiner can’t deny that what his friend is saying is true, but there’s still a part of him that wants to pretend he has no clue what he means. “Easy to say when you actually have someone here that chose you.” 

“She chose you too, you just didn’t want her to.” 

That’s not true.

“Yeah, well, I don’t do contracts.” 

Bertolt chuckles softly just as the door to the mess hall opens. They both turn their attention that direction as their comrades file out one by one, Peri making her way through at the very end. “Well, everyone,” she starts, “we’re off to the lake.” 

Nobody seems to have any problems with that whatsoever, as they all begin their march in that direction. Reiner elects to part ways with Bertolt for the time being, joining up with Jean, Connie, and Sasha. The walk feels short in comparison to the miles long endeavor they trekked out on earlier in the day, and this is much more entertaining with Connie and Sasha discussing who knows what the entire way there. 

Upon their arrival, everyone seems to pause completely to take in the sight of the silver moonlight catching on the rippled water of the lake, raindrops dancing heavily upon its surface giving the ripples an odd pattern. Peri projects her voice loudly from the back of the group, “Free for all! Swim, dance, crash, whatever! Just have fun.” 

It seems to be much easier for some than others. Connie and Sasha automatically run for the water, electing to throw even more water onto one another, further ensuring the possibility of the pair never getting dry again. Jean begins to try skipping rocks as Marco watches. Bertolt catches Reiner off guard by parting ways with Peri and approaching Annie and Ymir to awkwardly engage in conversation. Reiner can see Peri not far from his side in his peripheral vision and sighs just in time for Peri to direct all her attention to him. “Alright, Rei--” 

“Please stop calling me that,” he replies. 

“Not going to happen, if we’re going to be friends, you need a nickname.” 

“We aren’t--” 

“Uh, uh, uh,” she interrupts this time. “Bertolt told me where I went wrong all those years ago. No contract necessary, just an eccentric girl trying to help a hard ass loosen up some, and we just happen to become friends somewhere along the way. Your lessons in living a little start now. You’re going to dance with me.”

“Dance?” 

“It’s not like it’s a trap, just move your feet and flail your arms. Just show me you can do it, at least. We’ll work on making any improvements you may need later.” She reaches out for Reiner’s hand, clasping it in her own. She forcibly moves his arms in odd directions and motions. She smiles slightly, “There you go, now, keep that up and we can dance together.” 

Her hands part from his and she begins to move similarly to him. Reiner is well aware that his movements are stiff and awkward, he’s seen good dancing before but he never felt cut out for anything like that. Even so, it felt nice in a way and it was kind of nice to see someone be so open with him.   
It didn’t take much in that moment for Reiner to realize that this is what he’d been missing for so long, and that it was his own fault for building walls he had no right to. His disgust seemed to shift directions entirely and attraction seemed to peek through the blinds for the first time in a long time. Even with disgust and attraction making arrangements to allow the other, something bolder moved in too.

He can’t quite place it, but something, somewhere started to swell inside of him and it would only be a matter of time before it took over almost entirely. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everybody! Just taking a moment to thank you for giving my story a chance. It's in its very early stages, so it's going to require some editing and stuff, but I'll take care of that when things become more established. I made a mood board and a playlist to accompany the story and give you an idea of what to expect with all of this. Feel free to check them out by using the links below!!
> 
> Mood board- https://www.pinterest.com/l89merritt/dances-and-ruin/?invite_code=bd23c2ec42b94903b15566439575ac41&sender=784048753786015473
> 
> Playlist- https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0cbzTrKp0MzDvDwxDi3jeM?si=1hj16seDTWiDiwabTEaeIw

Peri is lying idly on her bunk and staring up at the bed above her. She can hear the bed creaking as a whole with Sasha’s every movement. For as long as Peri has slept beneath her, Sasha has always been a rather restless sleeper, always tossing and turning in her sleep. It has caused several long nights for Peri over the years, especially when they were children. Any time she would go to spend the night at her cousin’s home out in the woods, the two would be made to share a bed, which always resulted in a sleepless night for Peri. Even now, as Peri lies wide awake she can’t help but find it funny that Sasha has changed so little in light of her sleeping habits. 

She sits up and swings her feet out of the bunk, quietly putting on her boots and sneaking out of the barracks. The knowledge that she won’t be getting much sleep tonight is what puts her feet on the fast track to the small lake near the training corp’s compound. Not much around here seems to be special, but the lake seems to have a certain charm about it that just calls to her. That, and that’s the best place to sit and stare at the night sky. 

The night is mostly quiet save for the chorus of frogs and crickets. The local choir sounds lovely tonight, she thinks to herself with a smile. Even the shifting of the gravel path beneath her feet sounds somewhat soothing, save for the fact that she can hear more than one set of feet disturbing the path. Her eyes pull from the feet beneath her and look ahead toward the end of the trail where she sees three silhouettes approaching. She squints slightly and realizes that although the dark keeps their faces veiled, that their figures are familiar enough. Besides, not many people tend to wander onto the property to begin with, how likely is it to happen at this hour? 

With pep in her step, she begins to approach the trio only to see Bertolt, Reiner, and Annie. She smiles after allowing herself a brief sigh of relief. “Well, fancy meeting you three out here, what are you up to?” she asks. 

Annie sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose, “I’m too tired for this. I’m going to bed, I’ll see you in the morning.” With that, the girl parts ways with the group, leaving behind a newly assembled trio. 

Peri watches over her shoulder for a moment as Annie puts more distance between her and the group. She wonders what her icy demeanor is all about, she’s always wondered that, but she won’t give it any further thought tonight. She looks back at the two boys. Bertolt smiles softly in that slightly awkward way he always does, “We just got back from the training grounds, we finally talked Annie into sharing some of her hand-to-hand combat techniques with us. What about you, what’s got you out so late?” 

“Can’t sleep. I was just heading down to the lake, you guys wanna come?” 

“I’m actually really worn out. I think I’m going to head on to the barracks and get some rest,” Bertolt reasons. “I might tag along next time.” 

“Alright, you’ll be missed,” Peri smiles at her friend before facing Reiner. “What about you. You wanna come or are you tired too?” 

Reiner shrugs, “Believe it or not, I could actually stand to do some more wandering. The lake sounds nice.” 

Peri beams rather unintentionally before bringing herself back to her senses. She and Reiner finally started to get close a few weeks ago, and he’s been more and more open to spending time with her with every passing day. Every time Peri gets an opportunity to spend some time with Reiner, she can’t help but feel excited. Forging a friendship with him has been a goal of hers for years now, and it finally seems to be falling into place in ways she never saw coming. For so long, she’d convinced herself that Reiner would be cold and guarded, that he’d be impossible to get close to. She has been shocked to learn that he’s anything but cold, but she was spot on when she pegged him as guarded. The blond has walls harder to break through than wall Maria, it would take a lot more than a couple of abnormals to break through those, but she’s determined to try. “Awesome. Well, you wanna head out so that Berty boy can get to bed sooner rather than later?” 

“Sure, let’s go.” 

Her feet set into motion, and her arm reaches out and latches onto Reiner’s. “Cool. Night, Bert. See you in the morning.” 

“Mhm,” he answers, waving his hand dismissively and walking in the opposite direction. Peri stops long enough to watch him grow smaller and smaller, disappearing completely somewhere down the trail. 

She looks over to Reiner and smiles, “Alrighty, Rei. It looks like it’s just you and me, let’s get moving before the commandant or some watchman catches us just standing out in the open. What do we want to talk about?” Reiner looks down at their arms, which are somewhat intertwined with one another, and his eyebrows furrow just enough for Peri to notice. A slight bout of heat warms her cheeks briefly before she tears her arm away. “Sorry, I know you’re a little weird about being touched. I’ll try to be better about that, but do go getting your hopes too high. I’m as forgetful as I am loyal,” she jokes. 

“Uh, it’s okay. I almost didn’t notice for a moment.” His eyes wander upward again meeting hers, “How about we think of something to talk about when we get there, but we don’t talk for the walk. I like the sound of the gravel.” 

“Okay.” 

Peri latches her hands together behind her back as she falls into step beside Reiner. Their steps sound nearly in sync with one another as they make their way closer and closer to the lake. She wonders what Reiner really thinks of her. He tried so desperately for so long to stay away from her, and it only took one random night for him to let her in. She wonders if it was because he wanted to or if it was because he got tired of running. Either way, joy and guilt are hot on her heels.

 _Was she a comfort or a complication? Was she a pest or a pleasure? Was she a friend or an obligation?_

All she’d wanted was to be his friend, but she never stopped to consider what he wanted, even when he made it abundantly clear that the distance between them was all he could ever ask for. 

Reiner clears his throat, “It looks like we’re here. You seem to have something on your mind, you want to propose a topic first?” 

She quickly forces herself to liven up. There’s no point in starting their time here on a sour note-- no point in introspection when frivolity begs to be seen. “Oh, it’s nothing. Just wondering which one of the boys has the worst smelling feet after endurance tests?” 

_Seriously? What kind of question is that supposed to be? Of all the stupid shit you could’ve asked about, you asked that?_

“Oh, definitely Thomas.” 

“That’s surprising,” Peri frowns. 

“Who’d you think it was?” 

“I don’t know, I guess I just always thought it’d be Daz.” 

Reiner ponders for a moment, “Maybe, I don’t really associate with him much and he’s on the other end of the barracks. So, I wouldn’t really know, but as far as I’m concerned, it’s Thomas.”

Laughter spills out of Peri like water flowing over the top of a glass. “Thanks for the honesty, but I do have to tell you I wasn’t so curious that you had to throw Thomas to the wolves like that.” 

Reiner chuckles softly, it’s a gentle sound in comparison to Peri’s roar of laughter. “I think any of the guys would’ve done the same.” 

“Noted, well… now that that’s been taken care of, got something you want to discuss?” Peri asks, finally sitting down in the grass on the banks of the lake. It’s soft and luscious in that particular spot, Peri swears she could sleep here easily if she ever had to. 

It doesn’t take long for Reiner to take a spot beside her, overlooking the slightly lively lake. He leans back on his hands and locks his eyes on the small amounts of water lapping onto the shore gently. He seems somewhat caught up in thoughts of his own when he finally answers. “Seems like every time we hang out, it’s out there, you got some kind of fascination with the lake or something?” 

“Sort of.” 

“Yeah? What is it?” 

Peri feels herself kind of shut down a little. The lake is something she cares about deeply. She cares for many things, but caring is something she doesn’t really want others to see her do. The lake is something she takes seriously, and she’s not sure she wants to share the serious parts of herself with people. Again, the question is so pure, so genuine, the thought of blowing it off feels like a damn shame. “If you tell anyone what I’m about to tell you, I’ll call you a dirty liar, but it reminds me of my mom and in some ways myself.” 

“Really?” 

“Yeah. My mom has never really been an average or traditional person. She does things that many others don’t, like dancing. She swears that it’s something she learned from my grandfather, but even so, her sister seems to know nothing of it and if she does, she doesn’t let anyone know. But, the lake reminds me of her because it dances, too. I haven’t seen my mom since joining the training corps, but watching the lake almost feels like watching her.” Peri’s heart races as she finishes verbalizing the thought, she can’t help but ask herself how ridiculous she must sound to him. She wishes she could shrink or disappear completely. Showing this side of herself has never been comfortable, so doing it feels like the ultimate self-betrayal. 

Silence seems to last an eternity. Each word has time to sink in and make Peri feel heavier than the second before until Reiner finally speaks again. “So, that’s why you like dancing so much, because of your mom?” 

“Yeah.” 

“That’s pretty cool,” Reiner grins. “Your mom must be a wonderful person if you’d risk getting caught by Shadis to sneak out and catch a glimpse of something that reminds you of her every night.” 

“She is.” Peri smiles, remembering her mother fondly. 

“Anyway, how about you? How does the lake remind you of yourself?” 

“It does things it doesn’t mean to. It became something it never intended to be.” 

Peri closes her eyes, but she feels like she can still see the wheels turning in Reiner’s head. It’s an honest answer, but it’s just vague enough to avoid getting too deep. She knows a great deal more than she’s supposed to. She knows enough about the world before the walls to know how lakes are formed and what they are capable of. She knows enough about herself to know that the person she is now was not a part of her plan and that she’s capable of atrocities she hopes to avoid. 

All of the evidence lives within her, but she keeps it boxed up in hopes that it never weasels its way into the light. She couldn’t live with herself if she allowed herself to succumb to the things that are meant to define her. She’d rather die than be defined by things she didn’t determine on her own. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Reiner finally inquires. 

Peri sighs, laying back in the grass. “You’ll find out someday, but not now. We’ve gotta be friends a little longer than a month before you get access to my best-kept secrets. Who knows, maybe one day we can have a trade-off.” 

“Yeah.” 

_Fat chance._


	4. Chapter 4

_“It does things it doesn’t mean to. It became something it never intended to be.”_

He didn’t realize how heavy those words were at the moment, but they’ve grown heavier and heavier with every passing day. It’s palpable, a burden on his shoulders, the gravity keeping his heart centered. A frown settles into place on his face, “Hey, Bertolt. You’ve been friends with Peri a while, what do you know about her?” 

The tall brunette looks back at Reiner, pulling his attention from the supplies they’re supposed to be organizing. “Not much that I feel I’m at liberty to share.” 

“Since when did you start keeping secrets for devils?” Reiner asks, looking over his shoulders as if to see if anyone is nearby. 

“I guess ever since I met a devil with the will to change.” Bertolt turns back to the large box filled with spare ODM gear and parts and starts filing through it again. “Peri knows she’s a devil, she’s told me as much, but she doesn’t want to be. I guess your reaction just goes to show you haven’t learned as much on your own.”

“How was I meant to figure something like that out on my own?” Reiner sinks onto the floor and begins to work through the contents of the box beside Bertolt’s. 

Over the course of the few weeks he’s gotten to know Peri, he hasn’t seen much come of her that begged for much attention. For the most part, Peri hasn’t shown much of herself other than the impulsiveness and recklessness that she’s well known for. Admittedly though, the glimpses of her broken interior shine in bright flashes from time to time in Reiner’s mind. She’s hiding something, but how’s anybody supposed to find out what when she wears her lighthearted disguise so seamlessly? 

“You just have to ask the right questions,” Bertolt continues. Reiner looks up for the first time since asking his last question to realize that Bertolt has been talking the entire time. “She’s much more complex than she lets on, it’s all a part of some resolve of hers to be a better person. I still haven’t gotten to the bottom of it all, but maybe after some more time I’ll get it.”

“Mind if I ask why those answers intrigue you so much?”

“I’ve never seen someone center everything they do around others the way that she does. If a stranger were to come across her they might describe her as selfless, which isn’t wrong but it’s not right either. The girl is a walking contradiction. She’s as selfless as she is selfish, just as see-through as she is opaque. Everything she does is as meaningless as it is meaningful. She has everything under the sun to do and nothing at all. She’s as much an angel as she is a devil. I think she sees it too, and I think she built herself that way on purpose, and I want to know why.”

“So, you want to know which part of her is real?” 

“Not exactly. I think it’s all real, but I want to know which part she defines herself by.” Bertolt scratches his neck, “I don’t know. Saying it out loud feels weird. She’s just so obsessed with definitions that I want to know what definition she’d give herself.” 

“Why not just ask her?”

“She won’t tell me. I asked her about it one time, and the look she gave me still sends chills down my spine. I think it’s the only time she ever failed to mask the despair in her eyes. She just told me that there’s no definition for a soul that has yet to determine its own nature. The thought hasn’t left me alone since. That had to have been a year or so ago.”

Reiner chuckles, humorlessly. “Well, I guess neither of us has asked the right questions yet. Looks like we’ll have to try a little harder.” 

Just then, the door of the storehouse creaks open, and a stream of light floods in, casting several shadows across the floor. Reiner and Bertolt look up from their work and turn their attention to the group of people walking into the storehouse. Jean, Connie, and Peri all walk-in, dirt dusting their uniforms from head to toe, but it’s most apparent on their knees. “Damn, what’d the commandant have y’all doing today?” Reiner asks.

Jean wipes the beading sweat off of his forehead and sighs, “We were supposed to be cleaning the barracks with Krista, Ymir, and Sasha but they ended up sending us out to the obstacle course to make some repairs for a bunch of the posts. Kind of crazy that they have us out here doing all this work the day of graduation. Thought they’d give us a day to just do what we wanted. Just goes to show nothing is ever easy around here.” 

“I bet they just wanted things nice and ready for the new recruits considering they’ll have to teach them how all the cleaning and maintenance gets done around here. Our last-ditch effort of a prep day will buy them enough time to train the newbies properly,” Peri intervenes, stretching. Reiner’s eyes wander over to the girl just as she relaxes her arms at her side. “In any case, Shadis sent us over here to check on you two before heading back to clean up for tonight. So, what do you need?”

Connie’s mouth gapes open, “I thought we were just going to chat for a bit and leave. Dang it, Peri, you just had to be the better person, didn’t you?” He follows his small rant with a facepalm. His demeanor quickly shifts back to one of seriousness as he straightens his spine, “Yeah, what do you need?” His face is almost expressionless, almost as if what just occurred had never happened.

Reiner looks back to Bertolt who just shrugs in return. “I think we’re about to wrap up here, so you can just head back and start doing what you need to.”

“Really!?” Connie exclaims.

“Yeah, sure.” 

“Oh, thank you. I wasn’t sure I’d have enough to go dig up my stuff if I were here for long.” He turns on his heels and rushes for the door. 

“Dig up?” Bertolt asks, astonished.

“What stuff?” Jean continues.

“Don’t worry about it. See you guys later!” Connie waves without so much as stopping to answer their question.

* * *

In Reiner’s opinion graduation wasn’t much to behold. They already knew who the top ten would be and ceremonies aren’t much else than a little pat on the back. It almost felt pointless save for the dinner afterward. What would really be of importance would be the night they choose which regiment to join. That night would be when futures are really set in stone. He sighs deeply and continues his walk into the tree line. With everything that’s going on, some time well spent at the lake sounds like a good idea. He wonders if Peri will be there.

The atmosphere is quiet and still when he reaches, automatically alerting him to the lack of Peri’s presence. As much as he wants to be happy for the opportunity to have some alone time, he can’t help but feel disappointed instead. Peri is a good person to talk to and listen to. She’s always a good way to ensure that he’s distracted from the overbearing weight on his shoulders, from the overwhelming conflict that seems to be surging up inside of him. He looks down at the grass and elects to sit somewhere else, opting for the small makeshift dock not far from where he stands. He prefers to be there if he’s without Peri, because sometimes if he tries hard enough it almost feels like he’s on a ship heading back home. He can almost see the ocean ahead of him and the uninterrupted horizon.

Tonight the thought feels bittersweet. Home tugs at his heartstrings but Peri tugs at his thoughts. He wonders what she’d think if she could see the way the ocean dances. 

“Rei?” A voice calls from behind him. He automatically recognizes the voice to be that of his new friend and he smiles as she continues to speak. “I can’t believe you’d come to our hangout spot without me. My company not good enough for you anymore?” she teases as she takes a seat beside Reiner. 

The blond boy chuckles and turns his head to see Peri staring intently at the sky for once. He notices that her auburn curls aren’t pulled back into a ponytail like they had been all day, rather they cascade over her shoulders and down her back. Her skin looks silky smooth in the moonlight and her typically bright, grey eyes seem to be shaded darker than usual tonight. He swallows the lump in his throat and shifts his gaze to the night sky as well. “Your company is always welcome, I just couldn’t find you.” 

“Oh? Tell me, did you try to?”

“Of course I did.” 

“Really, because you walked right past me on the way here,” she smiles, mischief plainly parading itself along her lips. 

Reiner’s mind races trying to remember where she would have been. He wasn’t all that vigilant on looking out on his way out here, but he wasn’t completely oblivious either. Was he? Where could she have been? He panics slightly, “I’m sorry, Peri. I didn’t mean to ignore you.” 

“No need to apologize,” she swats her hand. She turns her gaze to him, “I was somewhere in the trees. If you’d seen me, it would have been quite the shock.” 

“Oh, come on, Peri!” Reiner sighs in relief. “You made me think I’d walked right past you without even acknowledging you.”

“You did, though,” she teases.

“But not because of anything _I_ did,” he replies.

Peri rolls her eyes playfully, “I guess you’re right. Looks like I’ll have to keep you around a little longer.” 

“You’re something else, you know that?” 

“Absolutely. Wouldn’t be me if I weren’t.” Her shoulders seem to relax some and she inhaled deeply, “anyway, what do you want to talk about tonight?”

“Why do you always ask that?” Reiner counters. She asks that every time they have a chance to talk, and Reiner finds it amusing. 

A laugh escapes Peri for a moment, “I have a few reasons. I mostly ask because I like your topics more, and I also ask so you can’t ask me first. So, what will it be?”

Reiner recalls his previous discussion with Bertolt earlier in the day. He wonders if he could get some answers tonight. He wonders if he could ask the right questions. “Um, mind if I ask you a few questions tonight?” 

Peri’s eyebrows furrow and she looks at Reiner with a glint of curiosity in her eyes, “What kind of questions?” 

“Get to know you ones.” 

“You already know me.”

“Not well enough.”

Reiner’s cheeks heat up almost instantly. That felt weird to say, and he wonders how weird it must have been to hear it. He automatically tries to start formulating explanations for his strange response to what she had to say, but before he can conjure anything worth saying, Peri is already speaking. “I’ll allow it, but only a few, and I reserve the right to refuse answers for anything I deem fit. And, I get to ask you ‘get to know you’ questions sometime, to be redeemed whenever I feel like it. Deal?”

He can feel his eyes grow wide, “Uh, deal.”

Peri smirks and leans forward, finally looking down at the water. Her eyes grow darker than they had been before, but they seem happier. “Alrighty, Rei. Time's ticking, what do you wanna know first?”

Reiner’s head spins, he didn’t really think he’d get this far. He settles on starting off slow, “what’s your favorite color.” 

“Skip. Let’s not waste time with questions we can learn in more adventurous ways,” she chuckles. “But, my favorite color doesn’t exist.”

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“Oh, now that question shows promise. My favorite color is the opposite of grey, but there is no real opposite of grey. Thus my favorite color does not exist. Quite the conundrum, really. Next, but no more colors.”

The response puzzles Reiner. He could’ve sworn that the question would’ve been the least loaded of anything he could possibly ask, but it appears he made the wrong assumption. If there’s one thing he gathered from the question, it would be that her least favorite color has to be grey. He wonders why, and he would ask, but she just stipulated no more color questions. “Okay, why’d you join the training corps?”

“That’s an easy one. I wanted to fly, and the ODM gear was the closest I’d get. To use ODM gear, you have to become a soldier.”

“That’s it?”

“Yep.” 

“So, you became a soldier so you could ‘fly’, but now you have to do that for a while, so which regiment are you going to join?”

“The scouts.”

“Why them?” 

Peri smiles softly, “They’re the ones with the wings, duh.” The answer stuns Reiner and silence settles between the two for an uncomfortable amount of time before Peri speaks again. “That and it’s the best chance I have of getting vengeance for the people inside of the walls. I just have to leave a scar on the world that scarred so many of the people I love. Anyway, I’m getting tired of answering questions. How about we agree on three more questions and then dance?” 

“Yeah. Sounds good to me.” Reiner begins to reel his thoughts in. He thought he had time to build up to what he wanted to ask, but now he’s not even sure how to ask about what he wants to know. There’s a part of him that wants to outright ask her how she defines herself and be done with it, but that didn’t pan out well for Bertolt. If it didn’t work out well for him, what makes Reiner think it’ll work for him? He grows frustrated at himself for not thinking this far ahead but somewhere along the way it seems to click.

It’s not always about the right questions. Sometimes it’s about the wrong ones that give the right answers. 

Asking about her favorite color was the wrong question earlier, but he was still able to learn something important. Maybe he can ask the wrong question again, maybe even follow along those lines, and get somewhere. “So, Bertolt tells me that definitions are really important to you. He even said that when he asked you how you’d define yourself you didn’t have an answer. But, somebody’s had to define you before. So, if you don’t have a definition you like, do you have one you don’t like?” 

“My name.” 

“Peri?” 

“No, Persephone.” 

“Oh, what does Persephone mean then?” 

Peri stills completely and her eyes seem distant. “No more questions.” 

Reiner wonders if he made the wrong choice with these questions. He wonders if he could’ve done something less upfront and had gotten a better result. Guilt wells up inside of him, and disgust seems to be knocking at the door too. _Disgust, after all this time? What’s that doing here?_

_“I came for you.”_

He tries to find the right words in his panic. He hasn’t felt disgusted with himself in a long time, he’s obviously messed up. “I’m sor—"

“My name, it means ‘bringer of destruction.’”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everyone! Just dropping in to kind of give you an idea as to how often you should expect new chapters as of now. My current goal is AT LEAST twice a week. This is subject to change and circumstances may prevent it at some point, but as of now, I'm on a steady writing schedule so I'll try to update often. Thank you for reading, it truly means a lot to me.

Reiner’s eyes haven’t left Peri for the past several minutes. He can’t help but notice the subtle shrinking of her figure as time passes on and the way that her brownish-red curls begin to cover her face completely as she bows her head lower and lower. Sentences form and unravel at a moment’s notice inside of his head, but nothing ever feels good enough to say out loud.

_ What are you supposed to say to something like that?  _ “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked that. I’m glad you told me though, even if I don’t really get it. Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?”  _ That’s a dumb question. Of course not. Even so, why does that definition seem to break away at her like the elements slowly chipping away the paint from an old house? She seems shattered in some way. How does someone even begin to put together old fragments that won’t even fit together anymore? How do you even know where to start when you don’t know how it was broken to begin with? There’s no putting those pieces back together, at least not right now-- not when everything seems so undecipherable. Besides, how can one broken person expect to fix another one? Combining the fragments of two broken people is only begging for trouble. It’s the perfect set up for putting the wrong things in the wrong places, before it’s all said and done who’s to say they won’t be worse than before? Then again, who’s to say they won’t be better?  _

_ No, that’s naive.  _

Peri clears her throat loudly causing Reiner to pull from his thoughts abruptly to look up at her. The moonlight catches on the top of her head, making her typically darker hair illuminate a fiery red. He swears he can almost see a halo. 

_ Has that always been there? _

“So, are we going to dance or not?” she smiles softly. His shoulders seem to fall at the sight of  _ that  _ smile though. It feels incomplete, not to mention the sadness in her eyes that she’s obviously trying to hide. 

If anyone’s at fault for bringing this side of Peri to light, it’s him. That’s one thing he can take responsibility for, and he knows he should. “Look, Peri, I--” 

“If that’s an apology just shut up, and tell me if you’re going to dance with me or not,” Peri says. 

Reiner can tell that she’s just trying to lighten the mood, but something inside of him can’t help but resent that. He  _ wants  _ to apologize. There’s so much he should apologize for, but can’t.  _ Please, just let me say it.  _ “I’m--” 

“Yes or no?” she cuts him off again. 

He gulps. It’s just one sentence, two words, but they’re impossible to spit out at the moment. “Yeah,” Reiner resigns. “A dance sounds nice.” 

Peri watches as Reiner brings himself to his feet before continuing. “Good, because I was hoping we could try something new tonight.” 

“Oh? Like what?” Reiner inquires rubbing the back of his neck. He’s not sure that there’s much else that Peri could surprise him with. Dancing was one thing to begin with in the sense that he was shocked to find out that anyone within the walls seemed to do it all. Not that it’s hard or anything, he just doesn’t happen to come across it around here. 

“Give me your hand?” she asks. 

Heat spreads through Reiner’s cheeks as he realizes what Peri has in mind. He’s seen enough dancing outside the walls to know what happens when one person gives their hand to another. He’d seen so many people dance hand in hand before, and no matter who it was-- Marleyan or Eldian or whoever else-- it always seemed to appear the same to him. It was meant for people who cared for each other in some way another. He wonders if the same applies to Peri and if so, he wonders how she cares for him. He nods his head and offers his hand to the girl standing before him. Peri gently places her hand inside of Reiner’s palms. Her hands seem so gentle compared to his own. They’re calloused, but not nearly as bad as his are. They’re smaller too, but not by too big of a margin. They almost seem delicate despite knowing what they’re capable of. He’s seen how well Peri fights and uses her blades, her hands are capable of the destruction she seems to fear so badly. More importantly, though, he’s seen the beautiful things they’ve done, too. He’s seen those hands mend holes in her comrades’ clothes, he’s seen those hands tend to some of the crops and wildflowers in the area, and he can’t count the number of times that those hands have played a part in helping heal someone that’s been hurt. Despite the destruction, she fears, those same hands are capable of bringing things back to life. He wonders if she knows that too. 

_ Maybe that thought is better saved for another time. _

When Reiner looks back up, he catches Peri looking down at their hands as well for a brief moment before her eyes meet his. “I saw my mom and dad do something like this one time when I was little before my dad left. I’ve always thought it would be cool to try it out, but no one has ever entertained the thought of dancing with me until you came along,” she trails off. Her eyes flit down to their joined hands once again and she giggles softly before looking at Reiner again. She tilts her head as her eyebrows begin to furrow ever so slightly above those grey eyes, “Is this still okay? Or, is this too awkward?” 

“Yeah,” Reiner starts before pausing. 

Peri snatches her hand away almost reflexively. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t--” 

“No! I didn’t mean that it was awkward,” Reiner rushes. He quickly reaches out for Peri’s hand, catching it between both of his own just before it falls to her side. “I meant that this is still okay. It’s just a dance, Peri. There’s nothing awkward about it.”

She seems hesitant if only for a moment before nodding and allowing her awkward and cautious smile to return. “Okay. Well, I don’t really know what I’m doing, so it might  _ actually _ be awkward. We just don’t know it yet,” she chuckles. 

“It’s fine. I think I know what you’re talking about, so I might be able to help a little,” Reiner tries. 

“Really?” she asks, a hint of hope laced within her tone. 

He nods. “Here,” he takes her free hand and places it on his shoulder. “This hand will go here, and my free hand is supposed to go around your waist, but we can do something else if you want.” 

“I don’t know, kind of fees a little too… intimate… to be that close, don’t you think?” 

Reiner hadn’t quite thought of it that way, but he can’t deny that it makes sense. He can’t help but feel stupid for not seeing it sooner. “Uh, yeah. Well, there are a lot of alternatives. We can, uh--”

His mind goes blank.  _ Lots of alternatives, huh? What are they, then? _

“Do you think we could just do something where we just dance while holding hands?” Peri asks. “It just seems right to me, like a good starting point. You know? We can start with hands and move on to shoulders and waists later down the line if we want.” 

There’s a small part of him that wants to tell Peri that he thinks that double hand holding  _ is  _ somewhat awkward in its own way, but he can see where she’s coming from so he just decides to go with it instead. “Yeah, hands are good,” he smiles. 

Peri finally takes her hand from Reiner’s shoulder and finds his free hand. “Okay, and I think we just sway or something.” Reiner’s smile grows as he begins to sway in sync with Peri. The moment is very short-lived, only playing out for a minute or so before Peri subtly slips her hands out of Reiner’s. She tucks a stray piece of hair behind her ear. “I think that’s enough for tonight, it’s getting to be really late. We have our first day as graduated soldiers tomorrow, after all.” 

“Oh, yeah.” Reiner’s shoulders fall slightly. 

“We should try this again sometime, though,” Peri says. “I like spending time with you.” 

_ I like spending time with you too. _

“Thanks.” 

* * *

The sun is shining brightly, bearing down on Reiner as he makes his way to his post for the day. All of the new graduates were given duties similar to that of full-fledged soldiers for the day. Some would be patrolling the city of Trost, a task similar to that of the Military police. Some would be doing as closely as they could to Scouts’ work and tending to headquarters within the city of Trost. Then, a majority of the 104th would be found on the wall, servicing canons, reflective of the Garrison’s main responsibility. 

Today, Reiner will be with Bertolt, Annie, and a few other members of the 104th, patrolling the city. He takes in the sight of the group he’ll be working with only to realize that this is the closest that any of these people will get to being an MP, as most of them didn’t make the top ten. He guesses that it couldn’t hurt letting them live out a fantasy for a day, though. Additionally notable, he realizes that Peri isn’t among the group. He looks over to Annie. “Hey, wasn’t Peri supposed to be with our group today?” 

“Yeah. Why do you care?” Annie asks. “Bertolt’s supposed to be here, too, but you don’t see him contributing to the headcount either, do you?” she mutters. 

Reiner strains his voice as he whispers, “Yes, but we know where Bertolt is and what he’s doing.” 

“It’s not like you’re Peri’s keeper, Reiner,” Annie stops. She’s watching as the rest of the group continues forward. She makes sure that there’s a safe amount of distance between them and any bystanders before she speaks again. “It’s not like it matters. They’re all dead in the end, aren’t they?” 

“Don’t act like you haven’t started to care about some of them, too. I’ve seen you helping in some way or another. You can’t deny that some of them have grown on you, too.” 

“So what if they have? We have a mission to finish. I have a promise to keep, do you really think that people I’ve known for three years are going to get in the way of that? If you do, you’re just as stupid as you were the day we arrived. None of this would even be an issue if we’d just gone home. None of this would have happened if Porco had gotten the armor like he was supposed to. Why’d Marcel have to go run his mouth?” Annie grimaces and stiffens, “Look, Reiner, whatever the case, I’m sure Peri will be okay for a little while longer, but we have a job to finish if we want to go home. Bertolt is already gone, what happens happens and there’s nothing you can do to stop it at this point.” 

Annie begins walking again in order to catch up with the group. Reiner’s stomach sinks as he tries to come to terms with the reality he’s facing. He has two people he promised to look after, he has a mission he promised he’d see to completion. He can’t turn his back on that, but none of it feels right. As of last night, he’s sworn to protect the one thing he was supposed to destroy.  _ Is this what life is? One contradiction after the other? Was he always damned to be a traitor?  _

He falls into step with Annie, his mindset on the squad he knows to be servicing the canons atop the walls, today. He wonders if any of them will be okay if they’ll live to see another sunrise. 

_ Eren, Sasha, Mina, Connie, and so many others, will they make it past the next several minutes alive? Is Peri with them, or is she somewhere in the city doing something for the Scouts? Will she survive the same ordeal or will she be nothing more than a memory by the end of the day?  _

“Yeah, I talked Peri Brandt into trading posts with me, today. She doesn’t want to be an MP anyway, so she was happy to take my place out on the walls today,” Daz explains to one of the people amongst their group for the day.  _ This is a nightmare come to life.  _ His mind races, trying to figure out a way to get to Peri in time to get her off of the wall. Maybe, he can even try to get to Bertolt in time to call off the plans for the day. 

Granted, luck has never been a friend of his.

A flash of lightning cracks from the sky, and on the other side of the wall, an explosion roars to life. Out of the corner of his eyes, Reiner can see the life drain from everyone. He can see the fear filling them and overflowing ceaselessly. He can understand why. He feels it too, but not because of the Colossal titan, that’s no threat to him. But, Peri is somewhere near the wall that his friend is getting ready to destroy, and he has no way of knowing if she’ll be alive by the time that Bertolt’s titan disappears. 

_ Peri may not know it or believe it, but she’s no bringer of destruction, she's only a victim of it. _


	6. Chapter 6

When Peri agreed to trade posts with Daz earlier, she did not expect canon servicing to be so boring. When she arrived, almost every canon had a decent amount of people tending to it. Needless to say, Peri only felt as if she were there for moral support, considering all of the important jobs were already taken. 

For the past several minutes, Peri has been sitting on the edge of the wall watching over the district of Trost. Her eyes trail after people walking to and fro going about their lives. They seem so carefree about everything, like nothing in the world could harm them. She wonders if she could have been perceived that way if she'd decided to become a seamstress as her mother had. A piece of her wonders if she would have felt more fulfilled if she’d done something else or if this was the best decision she could have made for herself.

Regardless of her train of thought, she snaps back to her senses as she hears Eren telling from somewhere behind her. “... throw your butt in the clink for that!” He finishes as Peri finally focuses on what he’s saying. 

She looks over her shoulder to see Sasha standing in front of everybody. “Hey, Sasha! What’ve you got?”

Sasha looks back at Peri with a smile. “Come look. I’m willing to share. Just think of the sandwiches.” 

A giggle escapes Peri. Based on what her cousin just said, she’s able to deduce what she’s got in her hands. “Would you mind doubling the meat up on my sandwich? I heard we were having some kind of hash for dinner and I’m not really in the mood for that.”

Peri turns her attention back to the people living out their lives below. She can hear her comrades continuing to bicker in the background all the way up until Samuel raises his voice and pleads for a slice of meat as well. 

_ Sasha, the spearhead of petty mutiny. _

The silence is nice and almost familiar enough to be called an old friend, but it’s fleeting. Thunder roars and the ground shakes beneath her. She can see everybody stiffen and freeze where they stand from within the safety of wall Rose. She jumps to her feet and turns to the other side of the wall. She’s briefly met with the sight of a skinless titan whose head towers above the wall. Her heart and stomach trade places as she comes to the realization that  _ this _ must be the colossal titan that attacked in Shiganshina all those years ago. 

Peri is able to draw her blades but it proves futile as steam rushes toward her in an instant, blowing her off the edge of the wall. Panic almost overwhelms her before she can respond, but before she knows it, her anchor is lodged within the wall’s surface and she’s safely suspended above the ground. She looks to each side of her to see that almost everyone has managed to do the same, save for Samuel who has one of Sasha’s anchors lodged into the calf of his leg. The moment stills just long enough for Peri to notice the small burn on her right hand. It’s not too bad, but it  _ might _ just blister later.  _ Damn, that stuff was hot. _

Despite how badly Peri wants to remain distant from the entire situation, she can’t shake the sound of her comrades yelling that the wall has been breached and that Titans are going to get in. She looks down at the gate for the first time only to realize that they’re right. 

A giant hole has been born into the side of wall Rose and debris litters the surrounding area. most notably and regrettably, there are already early signs of carnage. Peri and her comrades were lucky to have been out of the way of the rocks, but the people she’d been watching live their lives earlier weren’t so lucky. The same souls who’d been so carefree only seconds ago no longer exist here. She squeezes her eyes shut, “They deserved better. I should’ve been better.” 

Peri springs into action, maneuvering her way safely down the rest of the wall. Above her, she can hear Eren urging everyone to move ahead as well, but instead, they go back to the top of the wall. Surely, if Peri knows anything about Eren, he’s going to do what he can to engage in battle with the colossal. She can’t worry about that right now, she needs to find any civilians she can in the area and get them started with evacuating. Every second counts. 

She finally spots someone just a few meters from a fallen boulder and she runs to their side. “Are you okay?” She inquires as soon as she gets to their side. The young woman only stares back at her, wide-eyed. She can’t be much older or younger than Peri herself. “Can you move?” Peri asks.

She nods, completely dazed, “It almost hit me. It almost hit me.” 

“I know, but you’re okay. Let’s get you on your feet. We need to get you out of this area.” Peri immediately helps pull her to her feet and wraps her arm around her tightly. “Just hold tight. I’m gonna use the ODM gear to get us out of here as quickly as possible, but you  _ cannot  _ let go. Do you understand?” 

Another nod. 

_ Good, let’s go _ , Peri resolves inwardly before pushing herself into motion. She can feel the woman holding onto her as tightly as she can. If she weren’t so full of adrenaline at this moment, she swears that her squeezing would hurt, but right now it’s almost reassuring. What would normally take someone several minutes to run is quickly traveled through with Peri using her ODM gear. It only takes a little less than a minute to get the woman safely to the center of the district, where everybody else is already trying desperately to start evacuating.

In the midst of all the chaos, a hand clasps on Peri’s shoulder. She looks back to see a member of the Military Police standing there. “Soldier, report to HQ immediately. Operation Colossal Titan Response is in effect, now get moving!” 

“Yes sir!” Peri exclaims offering a salute before moving in the direction of HQ. 

As she makes her way over to her next designation, she tries to ignore the unleashing of hell all around her. She wants to stop and help any and every individual she encounters in her own way. It’s hard to remember that just by doing what she was told to do, she’s helping more than she could ever imagine because that’s not how it feels. If she’s honest with herself, it almost feels like running in a weird way, but she can’t quite place why. She sighs as she nears HQ, ceasing use of her ODM gear and jogging toward the entrance of HQ. 

The inside of the building feels just as crazy as the outside. Soldiers are running all over the place, trying to fill gas cans or distribute blades and gear. Some people are taking a moment or so two to compose themselves or empty their stomachs. Peri’s eyes catch on a small group of people near the gas canisters, and she realizes that it’s Eren, Armin, and Mikasa. It sounds a lot like Eren is trying to talk some sense into Armin. Peri wouldn’t be surprised, as strong as Armin can be at times, he sometimes allows his thoughts to get the best of him in stressful situations. Then again, Peri wouldn’t have him trade that brain for all the money in the world, she’s seen what it’s capable of, and if anyone has the brainpower to help humanity out of the mess it's in, it would be Armin. Her eyes catch on another blond running past her in a frenzy and she nearly stops in her tracks.  _ Reiner? _ She thinks to herself looking back to make sure it’s not him. 

Her heart sinks at the realization that the face is an unfamiliar one.  _ No, I should’ve known it wasn’t Reiner. He’s probably already meeting in the courtyard, awaiting instructions. Besides, now isn’t the time to worry about Reiner. He ranked second in the 104th, falling only behind Mikasa Ackerman. If anybody needs to be worried about anybody, Reiner would be the one needing to worry about her.  _ Still, she wonders if she’ll get to see him again, or if last night would have been the last time. 

_ Should I have danced with him a little longer? No, that mindset isn’t affordable right now. Move.  _

Peri’s feet start moving again, helping her gather what she needs in record time before gathering with everyone else in the front just in time to receive instructions. There’s really no new information to be gathered, other than the fact that the advanced team has already been wiped out. 

The weight of their reality sets heavy on Peri’s shoulders. Even after they’ve been dismissed, Peri seems to struggle to move her feet forward to go find the squad she’ll be working with until this is all over.  _ If I’d been more attentive, could I have stopped the colossal titan? If I’d been quicker, could I have killed it before it breached the wall? If I’d been a better soldier, could I have saved more lives? Is this my fault somehow? Would anybody blame me for any of this if they’d known I was people watching when the colossal appeared instead of actively looking out for trouble?  _

“Hey, are you okay?” Connie asks as Peri approaches the group before her. 

“Huh?” Peri asks, coming back to her senses. 

Ymir rolls her eyes, “Look at her, she’s stark white. Of course, she’s not okay. Nobody’s okay, so let’s stop with the stupid questions and get moving. The sooner we can get these people evacuated, the sooner we can get  _ our _ asses out of harm’s way too.” 

Connie looks over his shoulder and scowls before looking back at Peri who smiles at him. “It’s okay, Connie. She’s kind of right, we should get moving.” 

“Right.” 

* * *

Breath seems to escape Peri completely. She knew this would be hard, but she never would’ve thought that it would be  _ this  _ bad. Despite being perfectly fine physically, the things she’s seen and heard over the course of the last hour or so has left her rattled. She wonders if her teammates consider her weak because of the way she’s reacting, or if they see her as useful for all the work she’s done. Her eyes wander toward Ymir and Christa who are standing side by side for a brief moment, catching a breath alongside her before they get ready to move on again. They came across Armin not long ago only to find out that his entire squad had been wiped out. As much as it hurt to realize, it didn’t come as much of a surprise, save for Eren. Eren felt almost untouchable. The thought of the same boy who sprung into action at the sight of the colossal earlier losing his life to a 14-meter class or smaller just feels impossible. Peri tries desperately to clear the thought from her mind before standing straight to scan her surroundings. 

There are a couple of six meters coming down the street. “Hey, Ymir, Connie decided to stay back with Armin, didn’t he?” 

“Yeah, why?” 

“We got a couple of six meters coming our way, think the three of us can handle them on our own?” Peri asks, evaluating her blades to ensure that they’re sharp enough to be effective in the event that they decide to engage. 

Ymir sighs, “I guess we could, but one of us would have to be on our own.”    
  


Peri catches Ymir’s eyes cut across to Christa who has her eyes trained on the titans ahead of them. She knows that if one of them is to be alone, it will need to be herself. There’s no way in hell that Ymir is going to leave Christa alone, nor would she trust someone other than herself to ensure that she’s safe. She inhales deeply, “Okay, I got the one near the back, and you two can tackle the one ahead of it. Sound good?” 

“Yeah, of course,” Ymir replies, turning her attention back to Peri. 

“Great, let’s get moving then. The sooner we can handle that, the sooner we’ll be better off again.” Peri’s gear whirrs into motion as a cable springs from her gear and lodges into the exterior wall of a nearby home. She races past the first titan of the pair only to realize that it’s only a tiny bit smaller than the one she’s on the fast track to. She rolls her eyes as if at herself as she grows nearer to her target. The sinking feeling that has been coming and going since this whole thing started has just made its presence known again. She’s beginning to fear that the feeling she gets at the sight of a titan won’t ever go away. 

Seeing the titan isn’t even the root of the issue. It’s seeing what they do. There’s no telling how many lives these two have stolen, no way of knowing the number of people who have been within the bellies of those beasts. She knows next to nothing about the atrocities committed by these two individual monsters, but one thing she knows for sure is that they’re going to die here. 

Peri releases her anchor one last time and sinks it into the shoulder of the six-meter before her. She’s a little surprised by how natural this has become throughout the day, knowing what to do and how to do it-- calculating every move carefully and making sure to follow through just the same. She propels herself upward and to the right, rearing her blades back. She swears that by the time this is over that her hands and blades will be fused together. Her hands have been cramping from how tightly she’s been holding onto them. Upon looking down she realizes that she’s in the perfect position for a strike and she flies downward in a fury. Her blades sink into the skin of the titan and as she moves forward. Despite her quick and effortless movements, the blades are met with slight resistance as they tear through the nape of the titan. The dragging feeling is almost assuring in a way, it’s a sign that she’s playing her part in ensuring that they’re gone. 

The titan falls to the ground with a loud thud just in time for Ymir and Christa to engage in combat with the titan they were given. Peri springs from the steaming titan beneath her feet and to the nearest rooftop in order to avoid the newly toppling titan. The thunderous sound of the monster collapsing feels like a relief, but it doesn’t even compare to the relief Peri feels at the sound of the bell ringing. “Is that the withdrawal signal?” Peri yells across the way to Christa and Ymir. 

“Yeah! We should get going while we can,” Ymir responds before moving in the direction of the walls. Peri and Christa briefly meet eyes before following after her. The weight fleeting from her shoulders feels almost tangible, she even feels faster. Only a few more minutes and she’ll be safe.

Then, comes the hard part.

_ Finding out what damage has been done and dealing with it.  _


	7. Chapter 7

_Someone is crying nearby._

Reiner’s hands creep up along his cheeks to make sure that they’re dry before looking around the corner to see Annie and Bertolt standing side by side. Their cheeks are dry too. It must be someone else. Regardless of who it may be, he can also hear the faint sound of someone trying to console the poor soul. The sound seems to be coming from every angle. Cries of anguish and empty words of reassurance. The only thing that seems to stand apart from the rest is the sound of Jean’s scoffing. Reiner’s eyes train on the back of his comrade’s head as he allows his thoughts to take him away. 

He knew when he, Annie, and Bertolt planned today’s attack that this would be ugly. He knew for a fact that many of the people he’d trained with for the last three years wouldn’t make it beyond these 24 hours and that he would have to live with that guilt for the rest of his life. Even so, he thought it would be easy. He never once imagined that he’d feel so overrun with grief when faced with the consequences of his actions. _Am I still doing the right thing? Was it ever right to begin with?_

When faced with the things he witnessed over the past few hours, he isn’t so sure anymore. He never got to see the full effect of what happened in Shiganshina five years ago, so it never felt so heavy, but today feels like a burden that won’t ever be lifted. The instant that he and his squad came across Armin and Connie, alongside several of the others he felt as if he were being condemned by some higher power. 

_You did this, now feast upon the fruits of your labor._

Armin lost his entire squad, his best friend, somewhere along all of the fighting. Dozens of soldiers were left stranded after the withdrawal signal sounded because they’d run out of gas, and he was among them. _I’m going to die here with countless others, all because we’d decided to initiate a plan to smoke out a king who couldn’t care less._ All of this to provoke the sole person that they needed to find. Reiner sighs. _We should have known better. You can’t provoke a coward if they’re already determined to hide._

Then came along the brilliant idea to do something about it, and it almost costs each of them their lives. Making it to HQ seemed impossible as it was, but upon reaching it, they still had more hurdles to jump over. The hurdles are what almost killed Sasha and Connie, they’d both missed a titan’s nape in a critical moment and found themselves defenseless. Annie was able to clear the way for them to have a second chance though by taking matters into her own hands and killing those two titans alongside Mikasa. Reiner never failed to be amazed at the power that the two of them carried with them wherever they went.

And lastly, the biggest surprise of them all was discovering that they had a titan on their side. A rampaging beast that stood out among all the rest, an anomaly, _Eren Yeager._ If anything, that definitely throws a wrench into everything and raises many questions. And, with all the mystery that surrounds this one titan, in particular, he still can’t shake his own personal dilemma. 

_I only have myself to thank for this. There’s no telling how many people lost their lives or their loved ones because of the decisions that I made. How many people that I care about are among those that have lost? Do I even get to ask that? Did I really care to begin with if I chose to do this to them? How many corpses did I mindlessly encounter and not give a second thought? Why did I feel so helpless when faced with the possibility of watching Connie and Sasha die before me? Why did it hurt to see Armin mourning Eren so much? This is all my fault, and it shouldn’t matter but it hurts. Jean, Sasha, Mikasa, Marco, Connie, Armin… Peri. I couldn’t live with myself if-- wait._

Reiner pushes himself from the wall he’s been leaning on and he walks over to Jean who has his head cradled inside of his hands. Reiner’s hand clasps over his comrade’s shoulder, “Hey, have you heard anything about Peri?” 

Jean looks up at Reiner, completely dazed. He seems to be somewhere else completely, and Reiner can’t help but feel himself sink deeper into the abyss of guilt that seems to be consuming him. He simply shakes his head before returning to his prior position. Reiner’s eyes leave Jean and begin to scan the crowd of soldiers awaiting their next set of orders. _Who was in her squad? Who was she assigned to fight with? Maybe if I can find them, they’ll know where she is._

_Ymir. She was here earlier. She and Christa were talking to Connie. They can’t be too far._

Pushing through the crowd feels as effortless as it does rude, but he only cares about how easy it is, right now. He needs so many answers, and if he can’t have them all then he’ll be fine with just one. He sees the dark brown hair standing beside a shorter blonde and he knows that he’s found the key. “Ymir! Christa! You were on Peri’s squad, right?” 

“Yeah, we all made it back a while ago. She’s over there,” Ymir responds pointing to her left. Reiner’s eyes trail in that direction, to find Peri sitting against a wall in the shade. 

She seems to be alone, as everyone else is meeting with one another to regroup and discuss. Her head is leaned back and her eyes are closed. Reiner’s heart swells with relief for a brief moment before guilt moves back in. He walks through the crowd and stands before Peri. He can see the soft fluttering of her lashes against her cheeks from here and the steady rise and fall of her chest. He startles at the sound of her voice. “If you’re gonna stand around, you should at least do it from a distance, it makes it less creepy and awkward,” she deadpans, her eyes remaining closed. _Does she know that it’s me or is she talking to a stranger?_ “Additionally, if you’re looking for a quiet place to cry, I ask that you take it elsewhere. I was here first and I need a quiet place to be _quiet._ ” Reiner shuffles on his feet, suddenly unsure if he should say something or not. He sighs and sits down beside her, his arm brushing against her on the way down. Peri jumps to the side, her eyes opening wide, accompanied by a look of disgusted shock. “A little too close for comfort don’t you thi-- Reiner?” Her eyes soften almost instantly at the sight of him and she stills. 

“No nickname, huh?” he chuckles, unsure of himself. “Glad to see you’re okay.” 

“Yeah, you too,” Peri replies, settling back into her old spot. “Sorry if I came off as rude, I’ve been trying to deter people from sticking around. I’m not really in the mood to be bothered.” 

“Oh, well, I can go if you want.” 

“No, you’re the exception,” Peri sighs, leaning fully against Reiner, placing her head on his shoulder. “Glad we went back when we did, if I’d gotten even five minutes less sleep than what really I got, I don’t think I’d have made it out alive today.” 

Reiner wants to laugh, he knows that’s the response that Peri is looking for, but he can’t bring himself to do it. “Don’t joke about that,” he says plainly. 

“Oh, come on, it was a harmless little jab. No big d--” 

“It wasn’t harmless,” Reiner interrupts, his eyes meeting Peri’s. Peri seems to be surprised to some degree and closes her mouth. “It’s not harmless _or_ funny, not to me. I thought that…” Reiner trails off. _I thought that you might’ve been dead. I thought that I was responsible for killing you. I couldn’t live with myself if your blood were on my hands. Spilled blood meant nothing to me until I couldn’t tell if it was yours or not._ “I thought that something might have happened to you. It’s not funny because the thought of losing you… hurts.” 

Peri remains silent. Reiner wonders if he said something wrong or if he said too much. Peri is the closest thing he has to a friend around here. He knows that he cares for her deeply, he feels it every time his cheeks heat up or his palms get clammy. He knows that she’s the only one he wants to spend time with, and if he could he’d bring all of his plans to a halt if only to save her from what’s to come. He wonders if she knows that now. He wonders if she feels the same. If she does, she doesn’t show it. Instead, Peri only turns her head opposite of Reiner and sighs. “I think that I’m going to join the assembly,” she says softly. 

_You’re running? How unlike you. Have you run out of words to hide behind?_

Reiner’s mouth goes dry, “Yeah. Okay. I’ll catch up with you later.” He watches as Peri brings herself to her feet and walks away. He’s only left alone for a brief number of minutes before a member of the Garrison comes along to tell him to join the ranks, so he begrudgingly makes his way over. 

As he joins the sea of soldiers standing a shout rings from the top of the walls, “ATTENTION!” Reiner follows suit and looks up to see the Commander of the Garrison regiment standing on the walls alongside what _has_ to be Eren Yeager. The commander begins to explain the plan for the upcoming attempt to retake the city of Trost, but Reiner can’t help but zone out completely. He’s coherent enough to hear the commander giving orders and the uprising of chaos, but nothing seems to matter, not right now. 

_This whole time I’d been convinced I was killing devils, that I was doing the world a favor. These people are no more evil than anyone else. They don’t deserve this, and the world doesn’t deserve any favors. What reason did I have for all of this in the first place? A mother who knows nothing other than what she’s been told, a father who didn’t want me, for a sense of purpose that I was never meant to have, and for a world that despises me. All the wrong reasons lead me here, and here is where I choose to stay. Why? I’ve hurt these people. What I’ve done can’t be undone. These people are suffering, and it’s all my fault._

_How do I live with myself after this?_

_How do they live with me after this?_

_How do I live with them after this?_

_How do I live with him after this?_

_How does he live with himself after this?_

“...Why… is Marco… being eaten?” Reiner asks, finally coming back to his senses. His body is shaking uncontrollably and he feels tears in his eyes. From across the way, Marco is screaming desperately as a titan bites down on him. Reiner can feel Bertolt and Annie setting their gazes upon him, but he can’t fathom why. _Why haven’t they jumped to Marco’s aid by now? Couldn’t they have saved him if they’d done something other than stare at me?_

Bertolt steps closer to Reiner, setting each of his hands on his shoulders. “What do you mean, Reiner? Where’s your head at?” 

“What do you mean?” 

“What’s our mission?” Bertolt asks. “What are we here for?” 

“We’re out here to help the elite team get home, what else would we be here for?” Reiner asks.

Annie looks away with a pained expression before taking off. Bertolt watches briefly before turning his attention back to his friend. “Come on, Reiner. We’ve gotta get home. We have to complete our mission.” 

“Which I intend to do, now are we going to stand here and talk about it or get going?”  
  


“Reiner, I think you’re missing it.” 

“Missing what?” 

“Do you not remember your other mission? The one that you were given as a warrior?” 

“A warrior?” 

Bertolt sighs and hangs his head low. “It’s fine. We’ll talk about it later when we’re safe. For now, we just need to focus on--” A plume of blue smoke fires into the air nearby, causing Bertolt to pause for a moment longer before continuing on. “Well, looks like we get to get out of here instead. Let’s get going.” 

“Yeah, let’s go. I hear that they prepared extra portions for us tonight because of everything that happened today. Kind of sad to think that they might actually just be leftovers,” Reiner frowns. “I can’t believe we lost so many people in one day. How could something like this happen?” 

A damning silence lingers between Reiner and Bertolt as they make their way back to the wall. _I wonder what’s got him so on edge._ Bertolt sighs, “I guess I’m wondering the same thing. Maybe we can talk about it after dinner.” 

“Philosophy isn’t my thing, and you know that. Besides, I had something that I wanted to talk to Peri about after dinner. Think we can talk tomorrow and have a more light-hearted conversation?” 

“No. I don’t think we can,” Bertolt replies, making his way onto the wall. “Meet me after you finish your dinner and we’ll go for a walk. It’ll be quick, I promise. It’s just urgent that we talk soon.” 

“Okay, whatever you say.” 

* * *

Reiner and Bertolt have been sitting in silence for what has had to have been an hour or longer. Bertolt swears up and down that as soon as Annie arrives, they’ll start talking, but Reiner is beginning to think the blonde girl won’t ever show up. He sighs and leans back against the long that Bertolt is sitting on. “Can you at least tell me what this is about?” 

Bertolt stiffens visibly, “Reiner, what do you remember about today? More specifically, during the time that Eren was moving the boulder to the hole in the wall?” 

Thoughts flood Reiner’s mind, but they all felt blurry in some way. It felt almost like he could see them, but not well enough to know what was happening. Those memories feel as if they’ve been locked away, and like they might be there for a reason. “How about you tell me this instead: Is there something I’m supposed to remember?” 

“What happened to Marco? Why did he die?” 

“Because the colossal titan destroyed the wall, and we were trying to protect Eren from the other titans. I guess he was just… unlucky?” 

“Well, unlucky is one thing to call it,” Bertolt frowns. He looks up to see Annie walking their way and he sighs out of relief. “Hey, Annie, he really doesn’t seem to recall.” 

Annie remains quiet and approaches Reiner and Bertolt quickly. Upon reaching her destination, she throttles her foot forward and into the side of Reiner’s head. “Damn you! This is all your fault! If you’d never been chosen for this, Marcel would still be here and we wouldn’t be in this mess! I wouldn’t be here, Bertolt wouldn’t be here! Marcel would still be alive! I wouldn’t have had to kill Marco like that!”

“You… _You_ killed Marco? Why would you do something like that?” Reiner asks, cradling his head. 

Annie begins to spring forward to attack Reiner again, but Bertolt intervenes and pushes her back far enough to avoid having her make any contact. “I did it because you and Bertolt don’t know how to cover your own asses. I did it because _you_ told me to because it would save our asses.” 

It all seems to click in that instant, what happened to Marco, what they’re talking about, and what happened. “I see. Got a little too lost in it all, didn’t I?” he chuckles awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck. 

Bertolt distances himself from him as well as Annie before speaking again. “Reiner, I think that you need to distance yourself from the enemy for a while.” 

“What do you mean? It’s not like I’m super close with anyone, really. Well…”

_Except for Peri._

“I meant Peri, specifically. She’s compromising our mission.” 

“Well, you’re friends with her, too. Why do I have to be the one to distance myself?” 

“Because I’m not the one allowing my sympathy for the enemy to compromise the mission. I understand, there are some great people and what we’re doing to them isn’t easy now that we know who we’re doing it too. But, at the end of the day, are we going to choose these people over our families? Our lives back home? I get it, Reiner, but I’m not going to sacrifice my chance to go back home over all of this. Annie promised her dad to come home alive. Your mom is waiting for you. These friends, these peo-- no, these _devils_ don’t mean more than our homes. Don’t you see that?” 

_Devils._ _There it goes again. Surely, Bertolt and Annie have seen it by now too. He has to know that these people aren’t the devils they’re made out to be. Yes, he has to know. So, why does he keep calling them by that name? Is it because it makes it easy to keep hurting them? Is it because the word strips them of any humanity they may be associated with? That has to be the case._

_Strip a person of their humanity, you strip them of their worth._

“Fine,” Reiner resigns, standing to his feet. “If we’re done, I think I’ll head back to the barracks and get some sleep now.” 

Bertolt seems hesitant, but nods. “Okay. I won’t be far behind.” 

With a nod and a turn, Reiner is on the trail back to the barracks. The sound of the gravel beneath his feet sounds different somehow tonight, almost like they’re having to bear the weight on his shoulders with him. _Home, home is what I promised them, it’s what I promised myself. Home, home is the goal. Home is where I need to be. This place is no home. This place is a hell disguised as one. This place is a hell where the devils look like angels, and he allowed himself to be distracted by the best one of them all._

His head snaps back up at the sound of someone walking past him accompanied by the sound of soft sniffles. He stops and looks back to see Peri making her way to the lake. 

_Maybe I should just go talk to her about what happened earlier. Maybe I should be honest about needing some space._

_No._

He feels disgust well up inside of him again. He’s shocked to find he can’t aim it toward his feelings about Peri, rather he finds it directed towards the lie he tells himself about Peri. _Devils don’t deserve explanations from me, that one especially._


	8. Chapter 8

He can’t help it, but his eyes haven’t left Bertolt and Peri since he sat down for dinner. He’s been keeping his distance as Bertolt urged him to a little over a month ago. It was easy at first, to just stay away and lie to himself. It felt like second nature to call her a devil and act as if she actually were, but it’s been increasingly more difficult to keep the act up. He’s been noticing the changes in her behavior, something about her seems completely off. She seems down, and he can’t pin why because he hasn’t talked to her. Bertolt has though, and jealousy seems to be all-consuming anytime he thinks about it. He’s grateful though, that the opportunity to talk to her isn’t lost for good. Up until last night, when everyone decided which regiments to join, Reiner had convinced himself that he and Peri would go their separate ways. The thought gnawed at him relentlessly until he realized that they’d both stayed behind to join the scouts. He’d never felt such relief before in his life. 

He stands up, lifting his tray to go discard it. It’s been a lonely first day in the scout regiment. Everybody has either been too distracted catching up with Eren or getting settled in. Word is that they’ll start preparing for their first expedition outside of the walls tomorrow, meaning all of the free time that they have comes to an abrupt halt first thing in the morning. He disposes of his leftovers and begins to leave the dining hall, but not before Bertolt can catch up. “Hey, Reiner. Are you heading back to the room?” 

“I don’t know, yet. Are you?” 

“I think I might,” he replies. 

“Then, no.” 

“Really, Reiner? It’s been a month or longer, are you really still upset about the whole Peri thing?” Bertolt asks, coming to a halt a few feet from the exit. 

Reiner stops only a few paces ahead of him and sighs, “I might be, but it’s not like it really matters. I think I’m just going to go for a walk. I’ll head back to the room later.” His feet set back into motion, carrying him far from Bertolt as well as anyone else in the vicinity. He continues to walk out of the building and toward the surrounding wilderness. This place isn’t like where they were for training. There are no boundaries or fences, it’s just  _ open _ . 

_ Might as well check it out. _

He starts by circling the castle itself, taking in the grand exterior of the building. He wonders what it might’ve been used for before the Scouts decided to call it home. He wonders what other interesting stories this place could tell, what history it has, and what its future has in store. He comes around to the opposite of the castle and catches sight of the towering trees that surround the castle almost completely. He makes his way into the treeline and begins to make his way straight through until he comes across a worn path. It’s not exactly paved or cleared, but somebody definitely frequents it often enough for the greenery to be worn down.  _ I guess following it is as good of a decision as any other _ , he reasons with himself turning onto the path.

He follows it for a while, taking in the sounds of the surrounding forest and what little there is to see. He smiles softly at the appearance of a clearing on the other side before setting off into a light jog. Upon reaching the opening, he comes to a complete stop. There’s a small body of water, not exactly a lake though, more like a pond. And, sitting on the edge of the water is a particular redhead. She looks like she’s shrinking again, she’s been doing that almost every time he comes across her, no matter the time of day or who she’s with. He begins to back off, trying to remain silent but fails upon tripping on an exposed root. He grunts as he rolls onto his side, preparing to stand up. “Don’t be shy, come on out!” Peri yells from where she sits. “Watching other people is weird.” 

Reiner stands awkwardly in the treeline, his eyes trained on Peri intently.  _ Should I go out there? Should I go visit for a little bit? Would she want my company after a month of not talking to one another? Is she still upset about what I said that day?  _

“I know it’s you, Reiner. Come on,” she says. 

He gulps and carries himself over to Peri’s side. “Uh, sorry.” 

“You’re a terrible spy,” she sighs, resting her chin in her hands.

_ If only you knew. _

“Sor--” 

“Stop apologizing,” Peri interrupts. “SIt down for a little bit, it’s been a while.” 

“Okay,” Reiner answers, taking a seat by Peri. There’s a safe distance between the both of them, but it feels strange. To be so close to her again, but still too far to meet her where she is.  _ Was listening to Bertolt worth it? Could I have managed myself around Peri, distance or not?  _ He clears his throat, “Should have known if anyone could find a lake around here, it’d be you,” he tries awkwardly. 

“It’s no lake, it’s a glorified puddle,” Peri says plainly. She takes her eyes from the body of water before them and turns her attention to Reiner, “Tell me, have you been avoiding me on purpose?” 

Silence.

Reiner’s heart pounds in his chest, like nothing he’s ever felt before. He wants to say no because it was never his own intent, but Peri wouldn’t see it that way.  _ Just because someone told you to do it doesn't mean you have to _ , she would say. He knows it. Besides, saying no would just lead to more questions. His shoulders fall forward and he looks down. “Yeah,” Reiner answers. 

“Why?” 

_ You weren’t supposed to ask that. _ “I thought I made you upset the last time we talked.” It’s not a  _ complete  _ lie. “Just thought if I gave you space you’d let me know if I’d done something wrong or not, or that you’d let me know when you were ready to talk. I don’t know. Space felt right.” 

“So, did Bertolt ever tell you anything? LIke relay a message from me to you, by chance?” she asks. 

“No. I don’t think he has, why?” 

“I always knew the guy was a liar, just never thought he’d do it so often and so well,” Peri huffs. “In any case, I’ve missed you.” 

“Wait, you weren’t mad at me? Or upset?” Reiner asks, shocked. His mind begins to wander briefly.  _ What did she mean by knowing he was a liar, what set that thought off. What does she know he’s been lying about?  _ He shakes his head, almost as if to rid himself of those thoughts, for now, they don’t matter at this moment. 

He looks up from his twiddling thumbs and toward Peri. She’s leaning back on both arms, head tilted back, the tip of her ponytail almost brushing against the ground. “No, not really. I mean, I was a little thrown off, but why would I be upset about something like that? It’s not like you can be mad at someone for caring about you.”

“Then why did you run off?”

“Because, I was upset, but not at you. I was upset with myself.”   
  


“Why?”

“Trust me, you don’t want to know what really goes on in this head of mine.” 

Reiner feels at a loss for words.  _ How do you tell someone that you do want to know what goes on inside their head? How do you tell them that you care about every half-baked thought, every nonsensical question? Every faint shimmer of emotion? How do you tell them to open up when you’re scared to do that yourself? How do you do that when you know you’re still going to end up hurting them somehow? _

_ You just do it. Selfishly. _

Reiner’s hand finds Peri’s, “I do, though. What upset you that day? I’m here for you, now. I’m willing to listen. I’ll listen for as long as I’m here.” 

Tears begin to well in Peri’s eyes before spilling over onto her cheeks. “I’m scared of letting people in, and I want so badly to change that, but I can’t. I can’t do anything to change what I am, and it’s so maddening.” She sniffles and closes her eyes, “You told me that the thought of losing me hurt you, and as much as I wanted to be comforted by that or something, I couldn’t be. I’m nothing more than what my name says I am.” 

Reiner’s mind flashes back to the night before the events at Trost, when he asked about her least favorite definition of herself. The words haven’t left his thoughts since,  _ bringer of destruction _ . Those words must never leave her alone, they must haunt her. “What does your name have to do with anything?” he asks. 

“All I do is cause chaos and destruction. Trost was my fault. Everything bad that happens to me and the people who get close to me, it’s always my fault. That woman, she gave me a name, but more than that she gave me a curse, and she made sure I knew it, too. That day, in Trost, when you said what you said, I realized that you were getting too close. You may not lose me, but I’m going to hurt you one day. You’re going to get hurt, and it’s going to be my fault, and I don’t want to hurt anyone else. I’ve already...destroyed so much.” 

So many questions grapple for Reiner’s attention at that moment. So many thoughts try to take over. So many words try to be said. None of it makes sense, though. None of it feels appropriate. “Peri, what do you mean? What curse? How is  _ any _ of what happened at Trost your fault?” 

“The woman who named me, she knew what the name meant, and she gave it to me anyway. She made sure I knew what it meant. She made sure I couldn’t escape that.” 

Reiner can’t shake the feeling of dread and despair that’s taking hold of him at the sight of Peri.  _ How could someone so lighthearted and bright harbor this much turmoil within them?  _ “Who is this woman? Is it your mom? An aunt? A stranger?” 

“It was the woman who gave birth to me, she gave me to my mom,” she says quietly. “It’s a long story, but the woman I call my mom, the woman who raised me, is actually my aunt. My dad died when I was young, and the woman who gave me away couldn’t handle that. She kept me until I was six, but every day until the last one, she always told me that my dad dying was my fault. She told me she’d given me a name suited for a monster, and that anytime anyone spoke it or got too close, they’d lose something. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but the older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve seen that she was never wrong. Trost was my fault because I said the name aloud. Trost was my fault because I let people get too close. I let  _ you _ get too close.” 

_ Trost was my fault, not yours. _

“Peri, listen to me,” Reiner starts, lifting her face so that he can see her clearly. The skin around her eyes is red and puffy, and the tears don’t look like they’re getting ready to stop anytime soon, either. “Trost was in no way your fault. Trost could not possibly be your fault.” 

“But, I said--” 

“You said it out loud, I know, but Trost is not your fault. Trost was out of your control. Do you hear me?” She nods. “Do you understand me?” She nods again. Reiner inhales deeply and cups her face in his hands, “Your name holds no meaning unless you allow it to. You are not what others tell you you are. You’re what you tell yourself you are.” 

“Oh yeah?” She laughs harshly through tears, pushing Reiner’s hands away. “Like what I think of myself is so much better?” 

“Well, what do you think of yourself? How would you define yourself?” he asks. Reiner remembers that this question got Bertolt nowhere. There’s a part of him that feels utterly foolish for asking, but he can’t resist the urge to ask anyway. 

“Grey. I’m grey.” 

_ Grey, like walls of stone. The color of rising smoke from a fire and incoming rainclouds. The color of silver chains and armor. Grey, like the moon, the same color of the eyes that frame the stars so beautifully, her eyes. Grey covers them both like a blanket. It’s what she carries inside of her heart. It’s the world he sees. The color of the unknown, the color of balance. Clean and cursed, loved and loathed. He hates that she can’t see the beauty in the color, that she thinks it’s so ugly.  _

Reiner sighs, “I don’t think grey is so bad, honestly. But, if it bothers you that bad, I can tell you what I think of you, and if you like that well enough, that can be what you are for now.” 

She shakes her head, “No, Reiner. You’re still too close. Trost may not be my fault, but whatever happens to you will be.” 

“But, I want to be close to you,” Reiner blurts. The words escape his mouth before he can stop them. He means them, but that’s not how he wanted to say it. He stammers for a moment before finding the words he wants to place after his last ones. “I don’t care if I get hurt, being close to you is good enough for me. I can handle whatever happens. Whatever consequence there is for being close to you, I can bear it. Just don’t leave me, and I’ll take whatever comes my way.” 

“You know,” she giggles through drying tears, “for someone that’s always been so guarded, you’re being really open with me. Are you sure this is what you want?”

He gulps.  _ Stop being selfish, take it all back. She gave you a fair warning, you owe her one. Say no. Selfish, selfish, selfish.  _ “I’m sure.” 

“Okay.” Peri wipes at her face. “I guess if you’re sure, there’s no talking you out of it. Not that I really want to, I like you being close, even if it is scary to me.” 

Reiner leans closer, cupping her face in his hands once again. Her hand finds his, holding onto it gently. “Don’t be scared, trust me when I say  _ if  _ anything happens, I can take whatever it is,” Reiner falls silent, his eyes set intently on Peri’s. He can see the hesitation fighting everything else back, and as much as he wishes she would fight it, he knows he can’t blame her for being that way. “Will you trust me?”

“I’ll try.” 


	9. Chapter 9

Peri rolls over, her vision flooding with the light streaming in through the window. It’s strange waking up to such a spacious room. The barracks were so crowded, dim, and loud that she’d convinced herself she’d never have a peaceful morning again. Somehow, she even ended up in a room alone, further reinforcing the promise of peace. She stretches and swings her feet out of the bed walking over to the neatly folded stack of clothes on her shelves, selecting the dark purple shirt she has set aside for the sole purpose of being worn with her uniform. She begins to take off her sleepwear in order to change into her uniform, her mind thinking back to a few short weeks ago.

The events that transpired the night she opened up to Reiner seem to stay on repeat in her mind, no matter what day of the week it is. Mostly, she’s still trying to figure out what to actually think of Reiner. Realistically, there’s something about him that seems to shout “liar” just like Bertolt. But, with Bertolt, she knows that the “liar” in him is every little white lie he tells and thinks she doesn’t notice, like when he swore that he’d talked to Reiner. Reiner on the other hand, his lies are more of the omissive type, like he’s tip-toeing around some big secret that he’s scared to share. Peri knows somewhere deep down inside that she needs to be careful around Reiner, for her sake as well as his. That said, with the voice of reason being such a quiet one, it’s hard to listen to it. Reiner’s hard to avoid, he’s hard to want to stay away from. All Peri really wants to do is spend time with him, but she’s not sure she’s ready to admit that to anyone other than herself. 

_ I can only be so vulnerable in such a short amount of time. _

_ Still. _

_ I should tell him sometime.  _

Peri startles at the sound of someone knocking on her door. “Just a moment!” she shouts, finishing up with the buttons on her shirt, a smile inching its way across her face. She walks over to the door and unlocks it before swinging the door open. Her face falls at the sight of a tall brunette standing at her door, “Oh, it’s you.” 

Bertolt smiles nervously, “Still upset with me, I see.” 

“Not exactly, but you’re still not out of the woods. You still owe me a hundred apologies.” 

“You were serious about that?” 

Peri smiles smugly, reaching for the jacket she has resting on a chair near the door. “Yeah, just like I was every time I asked you if you’d told Reiner to come talk to me.” She swings the jacket over her shoulders, “Now, then. I expect your hundred by sunset tomorrow, or I’ll double them and then I’ll really be upset. I hate listening to people apologize, but I hate liars and baseless slacking more. Anyway, would you like to accompany me to your room? It’d be a great opportunity to get a head start on your apologies.” 

“ _ My  _ room?” 

“Yeah,  _ your  _ room. I told Rei I’d come over so we could walk to training together.” Peri begins to slide past Bertolt, out into the hallway. She shuts the door to her room and locks it before beginning her trek to Reiner’s room. “Come along now, bestie that I’m mad at for the time being,” she teases. 

A hand grabs her by the shoulder, turning her around to look back at them. “Peri, I think…” Bertolt grows quiet as if to reconsider if he wants to say what he was preparing to or not. “I think that you should keep your distance with Reiner.” 

“Yeah? Why? I know I’ve been spending a lot of time with him lately, but you’re still my best friend, even if you did lie to me. No need to be jealous, Berty.” 

“I’m not jealous,” he frowns. 

Peri chuckles, placing a hand on her hip, “Then, what good reason do you have for telling me why I should stay away from one of my other friends?” 

Bertolt gulps, “Well, I guess to protect you.” 

The chuckle from earlier is nothing compared to the roar of laughter that fills the air now. Peri slaps her knee, drawing a deep breath as she looks back at Bertolt, “Have you met either one of us? Rei is practically harmless and I’m more than capable of kicking someone’s ass if I need to. What could I possibly need to be protected from?” 

“Reiner is… he’s a complicated person.” 

“And what’s wrong with complicated, Bertolt?” 

“It just has the potential to be harmful or dangerous for people who don’t know how to handle it, if you know what I’m saying.”

Any hint of light-heartedness that Peri had breathed into the situation earlier has fled completely by now. Her smile from earlier has turned into a sour frown within a matter of seconds, “Are you saying that I’m dangerous?” 

Bertolt stammers, “What? No. This is about Reiner. You’re not complicated at all.” 

“You sure about that?” 

“No. You  _ are  _ complicated, just not like Reiner.” 

“Then how are we different?” 

“He’s keeping secrets.” 

Peri scoffs, “Oh, come on! Tell me something I don’t know. I have secrets, too. Everyone is entitled to a secret of their own or two. You of all people should know that considering how many you seem to keep and how many lies you tell to keep them. Nobody would have any friends if we took secrets that seriously. And if lies are next, do you really think that if lies bothered me _that_ badly we’d still be friends? Yeah, I’m mad you lied, but I’m still here, we’re still friends. Secrets, lies, whatever, it’s not my favorite thing, but I’m willing to look past those things to enjoy the good because there’s not a whole lot of that these days. Now, are you _sure_ that this is a conversation you want to carry on any further?” 

Bertolt’s face falls stone cold, his dark eyes beginning to appear stormy. “Forget I said anything,” he sighs. “I’m sorry.” 

“One down, 99 left to go,” Peri says. 

“99 what?” a deep voice asks from somewhere behind her.

Peri looks over her shoulder to see Reiner approaching her and Bertolt. She tries to smile genuinely, but it feels as if her effort falls short. “It doesn’t matter, right now. What are you doing here?” 

Reiner comes to a stop at Peri’s side, a smile appearing as he looks down at her. “You were late, so I was coming to check on you. I guess I found out why.” 

“Yeah,” Peri chuckles awkwardly, “Bertolt needed to talk to me about something. Sorry for making you wait.” 

“No problem, I needed to head down this way, anyway.” 

“Oh? What for?” 

“I forgot something over here the other day,” he says, plainly. He clears his throat, gesturing to Peri’s hair, “Looks like you forgot something, too. You gonna put your hair up? I know how much you hate when your hair gets in your way. We have ODM drills today, if there’s a day for a good ponytail, it’s today.” 

Peri’s hand finds her hair only to discover that Reiner is right. She blushes slightly at the realization that Reiner would notice something like that. “Uh, right. I’ll go take care of that right quick, I’ll be right back.” She rushes back to her door, unlocking it quickly and going inside. She walks directly to her desk to find her hair tie sitting where she left it last. She quickly pulls her hair back and pulls it through the tie, securing it in place. She sighs, looking at her reflection in her window before turning around to go back to the door. Upon doing so, she looks over at the spare bed in her room to see Reiner’s jacket sitting there.

_ So, that’s what he forgot _ .  _ I can’t believe I didn’t notice he was missing his jacket.  _

She picks it up, folds it neatly over her arm. He must’ve left it here the other night when he came to visit, but if anyone else were to find out how it got left there, it could very well mean trouble or an awkward moment in the hallway. It’s not like they’d done anything weird, just talked and danced a little, but nobody else would believe that story if it came down to it.  _ Whatever _ ,  _ I’ll just have to make something up. _

Upon meeting back up with Reiner, she notices that Bertolt has gone ahead without them.  _ Good _ . She also notices his uncovered arms. She pauses briefly, taking in the sight of his structured arms and the clear view of his broad chest beneath the fabric of his shirt. “I picked this up in the stairwell on my way up the other day. This wouldn’t happen to be what you forgot, is it?” Peri inquires, knowing full-well the answer. 

Reiner takes it from Peri’s hands, examining it carefully as if he’d never seen it before. “Well, I am missing one, and it definitely looks like the one I’m missing. I’ll call it my own,” he smiles. “Come on, if we don’t get going, we’ll be late.” 

“Right,” Peri smiles, falling into step beside Reiner. “So, where’d Bertolt go?” 

“He went on ahead, said he needed to talk to Ymir for a little bit before training started.” 

“Really?” 

“No, but that’s what he told me to tell you,” Reiner replies. “Anyway, I was wondering if we could hang out again, tonight. We can go to the puddle or go for a walk or hang out in your room for a little while if you want.” 

Peri giggles, “You really have some sort of fascination for the thrill, don’t you?” 

“What can I say? Giving Levi and Nanaba the run around at curfew is always a blast, kind of makes leaving a bit easier. Gives me something to look forward to,” Reiner snickers. 

Peri rolls her eyes, “Fine, but we’ll go to the puddle tonight.” 

“Sounds good to me,” Reiner smiles. “Are we going to train together today or are you pairing up with Sasha, today?” 

“I told Sasha we’d pair up today, but we’ll make up for it tonight. Deal?” 

“Deal.” 

* * *

It’s quiet out tonight. The breeze is subtle and the crickets seem distant. Peri has been finding it easier to close her eyes and feel at peace with Reiner around rather than without. So, she closes her eyes. She’s been focusing on the rise and fall of her chest as she breathes, as well as the faint touch of Reiner’s hand against hers. For the most part, every night of the last week has resembled something like this— the both of them being just close enough for comfort. Even so, Peri doesn’t mind the idea of being a little uncomfortable if it means being just a  _ little _ bit closer. “Hey, Rei?” Peri starts, opening her eyes slowly. 

“Yeah?”

“You remember a while back when you asked me those questions, and I told you I’d ask my own later?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“Is now a good time for that?”

Reiner laughs, “Weren’t you the one who said you’d redeem your questions whenever you felt like it?”

“Well, yeah.”

“Then, do you feel like it?”

“Yeah.”

“Then now is a good time,” Reiner replies. 

Peri looks over at Reiner, who has his eyes closed. He looks peaceful, very unlike most of the times that he has his eyes open, even so, he doesn’t seem completely at ease.  _ What keeps him so on edge all the time?  _ She sits up, “Okay. I’ll try to keep them to a minimum since I gave you a limit. Um… well, I’ll start weak like you did. What’s  _ your  _ favorite color?”

Reiner opens his eyes and looks up at Peri, a smirk beginning to show. “Seriously?”

“Yeah?”

“I guess right now it would be green, maybe grey. I’m not sure, haven’t given much thought to it really. Come on, I know you have better questions than that, Peri Brandt,” he teases, propping himself up on his elbows. 

Peri twiddles her thumbs.  _ Why didn’t I plan out my questions beforehand? Why am I so blank all of a sudden? I had a reason for initiating this. What was the reason?  _ “Okay. So, what’s your favorite thing about hanging out at the pond with me?”

“Well, is it not obvious yet?”

“I guess not,” Peri says unsure of herself. 

“I just like being close to you.”

_ That was it, that was the reason. I like him being close. I want to be closer, but before I make that step I need to clear my head of any doubts. So,  _ “Why?” 

Reiner sits up fully, “I have a handful of reasons, but I’ll only share a few, so let’s make a deal real quick. I’ll tell you a maximum of five, but for each one I tell it counts as a question. You only have five questions left. Sound good?”

Peri hesitated briefly before countering with a reply, “Yes.”

“Then how many reasons do you want?”

“Give me three.”

Reiner smiles, looking away from Peri and to the pond. He looks contemplative and focused and Peri can’t help but want to urge him to speak quicker. “I guess number one would be because I feel like the world is so much more of a mystery with you around. Two, I like the version of myself that exists with you here. And, three, I just feel less heavy. Being close to you is something I cherish.”

Peri blushes, “Alright, only two questions left. So, remember a week ago when you asked if I’d trust you?”

“Mhm. You said you’d try.”

“Well, I’m done trying. I think I’m going to give in. I think I’m going to trust you.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. But if you make me regret it, I’ll kick your ass, got it?” Peri asks, suddenly becoming serious.

“Got it. So, your last question?”

“Can we dance a little tonight? I want to try the way of slow dancing you tried to teach me,” she says. She bites her lip, unsure of if she should say what she’s thinking or not. “I trust you. I’m not scared of you being too close. I want you to be closer. So, teach me?”

“Of course. Come on,” Reiner says, pulling himself to his feet and offering his hand to Peri. “No better time than the present.” 

Peri takes his hand and stands up. She steps slightly closer and looks down at her feet before back up at the sight of her hand in his. “My other hand goes on your shoulder, right?” Reiner nods. Slowly, Peri moves her hand upward and places her hand on his shoulder. “Okay, and then what?”

Reiner’s hand gently places itself in the small of her back, pulling her slightly closer. “This alright or is it too close?” 

Peri shakes her head, her cheeks feeling warmer than any other time she can recall. “This is fine.”

“Okay, then next, we just…” Reiner steps to the side, Peri following his lead. “Dance,” he finishes.

Peri can’t count the number of times she’d seen her parents dance, the number of times she’d dreamt of having someone to dance with. Now that the moment is finally here, the dreams felt almost like nothing in comparison to this. Her heart won’t stop pounding lightly in her chest and she can't convince herself that she’s hiding the blush in her cheeks well enough. Despite having never had a dance partner like this, everything even feels natural, just as if she’d done it a million times before.  _ What if I mess up? What if I mess this up? What if… _

“You’re a natural,” Reiner smiles. “You’re sure you haven’t done this before?” Peri nods. “Well, you’ve sure taken me by surprise.”

“Uh, thanks,” Peri says. She focuses on the movement of their feet, the give and take of their movements. She can feel the warmth of his rugged hands in hers. She feels the weight being lifted. She understands what it means to be less heavy when they’re close. She smiles inwardly, beginning to lean her head against his chest, startling away at the sound of someone coming out of the forest.

“Oi! What are you two  _ doing!? _ ” Connie yells as he walks toward them, leading a small crowd. Peri steps back, taking in the sight of Jean, Sasha, Mikasa, and Armin following suit.  _ This has got to be a joke.  _

Peri frowns, “We were just talking?”

“Really, it looked like a lot of hugging was happening over here,” Jean teases.

“Doesn’t matter what it  _ looked  _ like. I told you what we were doing, so believe me,” Peri says plainly. 

Jean rolls his eyes, “Alright. Either way, it doesn’t really matter. Nanaba caught all of us sneaking out of the basement back to our rooms after going to visit with Eren, so she sent us out to get you two. If I had to guess, we’re on stable duty tomorrow.”

Reiner chuckles, “Well, at least we’ll all be together, right?”

Connie sighs, “Still, stable duty?”

“Eh, I think it’s worth it,” Reiner smirks. “Don’t you Peri?” 

Peri chuckles, “Totally.”

“You can say what you want, but I can’t believe I let Jean talk me into it. Next time you want to spend time with Mikasa, do it alone,” Connie says, turning to Jean.

“Hey, don’t blame me—“

“In any case, we should get moving. Nanaba will be waiting for us,” Armin intervenes. 

“Yeah,” Mikasa agrees, “let’s go.”

Connie and Jean resign from the argument that was getting ready to transpire and follow behind Mikasa, Armin, and Sasha. Peri and Reiner look to one another one last time smiles spread wide on each of their faces. Peri shrugs, “Not as thrilling as you’d hoped, huh?”

“Not quite, but still just as fun.” 

“Bet you won’t be saying that when we’re shoveling horse shit tomorrow,” Peri laughs, brushing her fingers over Reiner’s as they walk side by side back to HQ.

Reiner’s hand grasps onto her’s, “I wouldn’t be so sure about that. I hear we might be there together.”


	10. Chapter 10

Reiner leans against the door frame outside of Peri’s room. He’d just arrived a minute or so ago to come greet her and walk with her out to the stables so they could grab their horses and ride to Calaneth district with the rest of the scouts. The latch on the door finally clicks and a small breeze moves past him as the door itself swings open. Reiner pushes himself off of the wall and positions himself so that he’s standing in front of Peri. Her hair is pulled back in a neater fashion than usual, every strand pulled perfectly back into her ponytail. Not a single strand looks to be out of place. “Hey, took you long enough,” Reiner smiles, “I was beginning to think you forgot that I was even out here.” 

“Me, forget you? Dream on. I will say though, my hair is very hard to manage,” she sighs, her hands grazing over her hair briefly as if to make sure it’s all still in place.”Of all the things to get from that woman, it had to be her hair.” 

“I like your hair,” Reiner tries, leaning against the wall again as Peri locks her door. 

Her focus is taken from the lock, which seems to be giving her a difficult time, and directed to Reiner. “Well, I’m glad somebody does, but don’t be surprised if it all disappears one day.” She finishes with the lock and slides the key under the crack in her door just enough for it to be unseen for anyone not paying any attention. 

The pair begin to make their way down the hall and out of the castle to the stables, where all of the horses are already lined up and prepared for mounting. Reiner chuckles, “I can’t believe I spent all day out here cleaning up after these things yesterday, and without your company. Yesterday was rough, I don’t think I got to see you at all. By the time I made it to your room last night, I could hear you snoring through the door.” 

“I don’t snore,” Peri urges, playfully punching Reiner on the arm. 

“You definitely do. Trust me, I was the one actually awake to know for sure,” Reiner snickers. 

Peri swings her riding pack over the back of the horse and secures it in place. “Yeah, well, I know myself better than anyone, and I know that I don’t snore.” 

“Maybe, but I’m beginning to think I might be getting to know you just as well as you claim to know yourself,” Reiner smirks. He nods his head in the direction of her horse, “Come on, I’ll help you saddle up.” 

“Do I look like I need help, Reiner Braun?” Peri asks, a hint of mischief glimmering in her eyes. She places her foot in the horse’s stirrups and swings her other leg over the saddle before settling into place. The glimmer in her eyes remains as she looks back down at Reiner, a smirk planted smugly on her face. “Appears to me you’re into the independent type.” 

Reiner chuckles and prepares to say something in response to her remark, only to be interrupted by the sound of one of the other scouts approaching. “Hey! Peri, Reiner! How are you two doing? Ready for the day ahead?” Jean asks as he approaches. Sasha, Connie, and Armin aren’t too far behind. It appears they’re getting ready to find their horses as well. 

“Ready as we can be,” Reiner smiles. “What about all of you?” 

“I guess you could say I’m ready,” Connie shrugs. He seems to be more nervous than he’s willing to let on. It would make sense taking into consideration his playful and joking nature. It would likely throw a lot of people off if Connie were to appear outright nervous. Reiner is actually very surprised that he was able to pick up on any form of nerves at all. Connie quickly heaps onto his unphased facade. “Hey, Peri, I’ve been meaning to ask, but there’s a little rumor going around that your real name isn’t Peri. Is your real name actually Persephone?” 

Peri visibly stiffens out of the corner of Reiner’s eyes and Sasha seems to jab Connie in the arm. “Where did you hear that?” Sasha asks. 

Reiner looks up dumbfounded at Peri. He can see the smirk turned to a smile from earlier fighting to stay there. She clears her throat in preparation to answer, but Connie has already started to answer Sasha’s previous question. “Well, Bertolt asked me if I knew if it were true or not. I guess I just wanted to know for sure, so I thought I’d ask the source.” Connie turns to Sasha, “You mean to tell me you knew Peri had a different name and lied when Bertolt asked you too?” 

Sasha facepalms, “Yeah. I didn’t think it mattered that much to you!” 

Jean interjects, “Well, I can see why it would. All of us know next to nothing about Peri save for you, Reiner, and Bertolt.  _ Any  _ information about Peri is  _ new _ information for most of us. So,  _ Persephone _ is it true?” 

Peri flinches again at the sound of her name. She draws a shaky breath, “You know, I would honestly just prefer if you guys just kept calling me Peri. I don’t use that name for personal reasons.” 

“But, it is your name, right?” Connie asks. 

“Let’s just go with no for the sake of simplicity,” Peri answers. “If you guys are really that curious about me, all you have to do is ask questions, but from here on out, my name is off-limits. If I hear any one of you say it again, it’ll be the last thing you ever say. Got it?” 

“Noted,” Connie gulps. “Sorry.” 

“Don’t apologize, just think,” Peri replies, digging her heels into the sides of her horse, urging it forward. The small crowd parts allowing her to make her way through. 

Everyone remains silent for a moment, each of them awkwardly looking from one person to the next as if to get answers from someone else. Reiner turns his back to the shamefully silent group and mounts his horse. He begins to set the horse into motion but not before seeing Sasha hit Connie upside the back of his head. Connie yelps briefly and the sound of his bickering grows faint as Reiner leaves and leads his horse over to Bertolt. 

Bertolt is in the process of getting on to his horse as well when Reiner addresses him, “How did you find out about Peri’s real name. I know I didn’t tell you, and Sasha doesn’t seem likely to do it either. Did Peri tell you?” 

Bertolt sighs, “You didn’t tell me directly, but you talk a lot in your sleep, especially when you’re having bad dreams. Didn’t take much to put two and two together.”

Reiner looks over his shoulder, toward Peri who seems to be behaving as if the prior incident had never happened. She’s in the midst of a conversation with Ymir and Christa, her smile unfaltering. “So instead of addressing it with me or her, you asked the rest of the regiment?” 

“No, just the people we graduated with. Why, is she upset?” 

“Of course she’s upset. She hates her name. She’s terrified of it,” Reiner seethes. 

“Why is that?”

_ Trost was my fault because I said the name aloud. _ Reiner’s stomach sinks as realization latches on to him. “It doesn’t matter, it just does. That’s all you need to know. What you did was inconsiderate. Peri is going to blame herself for what happens today.”

_ She’s going to blame herself again not knowing that fault belongs to him this time as well. _

Bertolt shrugs dismissively and turns his attention back to his horse. “Guess you should get better at keeping secrets then,” he replies plainly. 

Reiner scoffs and turns his horse around, going over to Peri’s side. She keeps her eyes set forward, toward the front of the formation that’s only a few mere minutes from leaving their current location. He clears his throat, “Hey. Are you okay?” 

“I don’t want to talk about it right now. Just thinking about it is making me crazy,” she says, never turning her attention away from the person ahead of her. “But, I will ask why.”

“Why what?”

“Why you would tell anyone.”

“It was nothing intentional. Bertolt found out through my sleep talking and I guess he took it upon himself to find out on his own,” Reiner explains. 

Peri sighs, “He hasn’t been himself lately. I miss the version of Bertolt that didn’t seem like a complete asshole.” 

“Me too.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking a second on the update, my computer's charger stopped working, but it's here now.... Even if it is short. I'll try and update again tomorrow for the sake of making up for the lost time.


	11. Chapter 11

No matter how badly Peri wills them to, her hands won’t stop trembling. No amount of clenching her fists or trying to bury them into nearby surfaces seems to be working. And, no amount of side-eyeing or looking around gives her any sign of if people are noticing or not. The best she can do for now is keep her breathing steady and her shoulders drawn back proudly, just like she always does. She keeps her smile set in place and her attitude bright, the usual. It seems to keep most people satisfied, and for brief lapses in time, it almost fools her too. She takes pride in her ability to keep almost everyone fooled, it’s the one thing she’s been consistently good at for most of her life. It’s the one thing that has consistently protected her for years and years, until today, when her atmosphere of mystery backfired. 

_ Of course, hiding wouldn’t be as easy as it seems. I should have known that somebody would figure it out and call me out eventually.  _

“Dammit,” Peri whispers harshly to herself. She clenches her fists around the reins of the horse again, giving one last attempt at stilling her hands. There is still no success there to be had. She sighs, looking up toward the walls. The scouts have all been gathered in the same spot waiting for the go-ahead for the last several minutes, and as time passes she can feel the tension growing more and more amongst the group. A lot of the soldiers here are seasoned veterans, but even so, there are a lot of people here who have never been beyond the safe haven that the walls provide. Not to mention, Peri still can’t stomach the thought of coming face to face with more titans. Worse than that, she can’t stomach the thought of losing any of her comrades or friends. 

Her eyes wander from the top of the walls back down to the people surrounding her before settling upon a blond head of hair somewhere to her left, Reiner. He looks to be caught up in some conversation with Armin, as the both of them will be pretty close to one another in the long-range scouting formation.  _ This shit of being in separate wings of the formation sucks.  _ She frowns and begins to turn her head but not before Reiner waves over at her with a smile. She smiles and waves back just in time to hear Commander Erwin’s voice boom from the front of the formation, ordering everyone to move out. 

She can feel the horse beneath her shifting its weight around as people begin to move out. She digs her heels into its side as it comes time for her to get a move on. Her heart is pounding so loudly that she swears she can hear it clear as day in her ears. Maybe that’s just the sound of the horses’ hooves beating against the ground as they gallop their way into the territory beyond the walls. 

_ Maybe _ . 

She expected to feel more optimistic about going past those gates for the first time but she can’t seem to shake the lingering feeling of dread that hangs like a heavy cloud above her. She winces as she remembers what occurred earlier.  _ Persephone, how many times did they say it again? How many times has it been said without her knowing?  _ _ How many of them are continuing to use it even now? Should I have told them why I don’t use it? Would that have been useful or would it have gotten me labeled as paranoid? Of all days for this shit to happen.  _

Peri checks her surroundings quickly as they continue to ride forward. There have only been a few Titans spotted so far, but anything can happen, especially now that they’re finally breaking into the long-range formation. 

Peri breaks to the right, moving along with the rest of the people who make up the right-wing spotters of today’s formation. Closest to her is someone who has apparently been a member of the scouts for a couple of years now, meaning this should be routine enough for them. The thought kind of puts Peri’s mind at ease, surely things can’t get too bad with so many seasoned soldiers on the mission. “Hey! So today is just an out-and-back affair, right? Nothing too crazy?” Peri shouts to the nearby comrade. 

They look in her direction and smile, “Yep! Should be easy enough, but you should stay nearby just in case of anything!” 

“Trust me, I don’t plan to wander off too far!” Peri shouts back. She meant it too. There’s no point in running off on a mission like this, sticking close to the others might just save a life or many lives. 

No matter the case, Peri follows close behind her comrade for all that she’s worth. She watches as signals appear from all sorts of directions, and reacts accordingly each time. It’s almost beginning to feel like the day will go off without a hitch until she sees black smoke coming from not too far up ahead. She feels her heart and stomach swap places as she rides ahead. The soldier who’s been just ahead of her slows a bit to come to her side. “I expect that this abnormal will be taken care of by the time we get up there, but just in case, I want you to be ready to change course, alright?” 

Peri nods and prepares to answer but pauses briefly to allow herself to tune in to her surroundings.  _ The ground shouldn’t be rumbling beneath us like this over a lone abnormal, right?  _ “Do you feel that?”

“Yeah,” they answer solemnly. “I’m thinking we may—“ The soldier falls silent, their eyes locked ahead. Peri looks away from them to find a stampede of Titans swarming in their direction. “Shit! Fall back! We have to head back to the rest of the right-wing and try to warn them!” They shout, pulling the reins back on their horse in a desperate attempt to get turned around quickly. Peri follows their example, getting turned around within a matter of seconds and urging her horse to go faster. 

_ Faster. Faster. Faster. _

* * *

Jean has been tirelessly whistling in a desperate attempt to summon his lost horseback to his side. Some small part of Reiner is convinced that his cause is a lost hope, but he hopes that his assumption is wrong. If Jean doesn’t get his horse back soon, they’re all done for. There’s no telling what would come of them if anyone would even find their bodies, or know where they were. At least, that would be the case for Jean and Armin. If Reiner really wanted or needed to, he could probably make it out of here unscathed through the use of his own titan. 

_ No. It’s too soon for me to jump to conclusions.  _

Reiner straightens his spine as he finishes wrapping Armin’s head in bandages. The smaller blond looks to be completely dazed. The possibility of him being lost in thought is likely, as that seems to be commonplace for him, but then again, he has suffered a head injury. “Armin. You with me?” Armin comes back to his senses, stiffening with a gasp. “I guess your head’s still a little shaken up, huh?”

The prospect wouldn’t be surprising in the least. Annie sure as hell didn’t seem to take it easy on him the second time that Armin started to interfere with what she was up to. Reiner can still see Armin flying from his horse’s back clear as day, the way that Annie began to swat at Jean, even the brief moment of terror he felt while trapped in her grasp. No doubt, he would have been fine, it was Annie after all, but he wasn’t able to assure himself the same thing as far as Jean and Armin were concerned. As much as he wishes he could say that he would’ve felt nothing watching them die, it’s clear to him after what transpired earlier that he would only be lying to himself. 

_ Why does this have to be so complicated?  _

“Yeah, I might still be a bit foggy.” 

“It’s okay. The choice won’t be much easier even if you are thinking clearly. One of us is gonna have to stay here,” he announces as he stands to his feet. We need to figure out who.” The words taste sour on his tongue.  _ I was sent here to ensure everyone here died, so why does this feel so uncomfortable? Why does it feel wrong?  _

Jean’s whistling comes to an abrupt halt and he looks over in Reiner and Armin’s direction. The brief silence is filled with awkward tension before Armin interjects. “Wait! Shouldn’t we at least fire off a smoke signal first? If everyone stayed on course, row four squad three should be nearby right about now.” 

Jean and Reiner shrug as Jean reaches for a purple cartridge to load before firing off the distress signal. Jean’s shoulders slump forward as the purple plume of smoke shoots higher and higher into the sky. “Well, that’s the emergency signal, but I doubt anyone will see it and actually think to bring a horse,” he says begrudgingly before walking off on his own. 

Reiner hates to keep being the voice of reason in the light of negative situations, but he sees no way around at least addressing it. “Armin. Listen, we only wait three minutes. If no one shows, we have to decide who stays.” 

Armin answers quickly, “It should be me, but if I’m going to be left out here in the open, I need you to relay a message. If possible give it only to Commander Erwin.” 

“Hang on! Looks like you’ll be able to tell him yourself,” Jean announces as the person in the distance nears closer and closer until they’re finally able to make out Christa’s image as well as two additional horses. Reiner feels some of the tension in his shoulders alleviate greatly as the possibility of leaving someone behind becomes less and less apparent. 

Christa comes to a halt, explaining how she came across the spare horse and noticed their emergency signal before heading over right away. They all gather their wits before getting onto their respective horses and riding forward. Much of the ride is spent discussing what’s happening and what the possible next move might be. It’s easy to see that everyone is out of sorts in every which way. Jean on one hand seems to be very frustrated about the whole thing whereas Armin has a more curious approach. Christa is still piecing things together and Reiner’s head is still reeling.

He sighs, as a forest starts to come into view on the horizon. All discussion of what transpired earlier has come to halt and Reiner can hear Armin and Jean discussing an entirely different situation amongst one another now. “... I just feel like you should apologize to her when you see her again. She really did seem upset,” Armin explains.

“You’re right, but let’s be real, do you really think she made it out of there alive?” Jean asks.

Reiner’s head snaps their direction almost instinctively, “Who are you talking about, Peri?” 

“Yeah.”

“Why wouldn’t she be alive?” Reiner asks. 

Jean and Armin glance at one another briefly before Armin answers, “Well, she was in the right-wing spotters, wasn’t she?”

“I thought she was in the left,” Reiner says, a chill spilling down his spine. 

“She was but something came up and I think they swapped her out last minute. I’m not sure the logistics of it all, but—“ 

Reiner’s horse is already turning in the other direction, as he makes a 180 back to where they’ve been riding from. He hears Jean shout after him but it sounds so distant already. If Peri really was in the right-wing spotters the chances of her actually surviving that attack would be slim, but he has to know. He has to see for himself. 

The problem with his attempt to go find her is that she could be anywhere.  _ How far back was the right-wing when they got ambushed? Would Peri have stood her ground or would she have altered the course best she could? No. Peri isn’t the type to make a break for it, especially when others have something at stake too. No, Peri would’ve done all she could to help. Dammit. I can’t believe I didn’t realize she would be there. What are the chances? The chances of her surviving, the chances of finding her, the chances of knowing what happened to her?  _

An uneasy feeling settles itself into Reiner’s gut as he continues to ride further on. The large expanses of rolling hills and open landscape that he considered beautiful only minutes ago feel like a never-ending hellscape. His eyes drag along the scenery, nitpicking for any sign of Peri. Yet, his eyes aren’t what aid him in his search, rather it’s his ears. He brings his horse to a sudden stop at the sound of someone retching nearby. He looks around, and only a few meters to his rear left is someone kneeling in the bushes, their horse on standby. Reiner swings his leg over the back of his horse and runs to the lone soldier’s side. 

His heart swells with relief as he comes to realize it’s exactly who he’s been desperately looking for. “Peri! What the hell are you—“ he stops dead in his tracks as he comes even closer only to realize that the redhead is sobbing and trembling in the bushes. “What’s wrong?” He says gently, kneeling down to her level. 

Peri’s eyes are clenched shut and her arms are wrapped tightly around herself. She hiccups and retches every now and again, and each time feels like a blade in his flesh. Reiner scoops her into his arms. She’s never seemed so small or frail until now.  _ How strange that someone bigger than life could feel so fragile.  _ “Come on, let’s get somewhere safe,” Reiner says softly, helping her onto a horse. 


End file.
